every season

I don’t write here much anymore. I write in my blog for friends and family pretty often. I write Word files sometimes. But here…less and less. It’s good for me, really. This site does need to be taken down, unfortunately. It’s not something that I’ll be able to have up as I move into my career. But it’s also hard to let go of a tradition I started over 10 years ago. You can’t tell – because I delete most of the older entries – but I’ve been on this website for about 10 years.

As it happens every so often – and certainly at this time of year – I desperately hate being single. Why do I have to be single for so long? Why is it so hard for me to find the right guy – or a guy? Right now, it doesn’t matter anymore. He doesn’t have to be right. He doesn’t even have to be good for me.

I dated between 15 and 20. Then nothing until Andrew, which was quite brief, and began a year ago. It was dying by New Year’s. And then there was Paulo – my little fling in England.

There are days when I just despise being single. I’m going on 24. I’ve basically NOT been dating for almost longer than I HAVE been dating. The rules are changing now, and I’ve only just begun to realize that. I want to get out there and test them out. I don’t care if he’s right. Paulo wasn’t right, but he was and IS the most amazing guy ever for me. Andrew isn’t right, but I still dream almost daily about having a fling with him. Once upon a time, he was one of those guys for flings – and I wouldn’t have it. and when we dated, he was strangely non-committal at the same time that he was telling me he was falling in love with me. Now he’s even more adament that he wants the real deal – and I don’t care right now that all I want is a fling. I just want to FEEL SOMETHING – and do so with a boy. I want it to feel good and go well.

Last night I went to see Twilight with my brother. After that…I just feel so torn up about being single. I want an Edward!! Right after the movie, we went to hang out at Miranda’s boyfriend’s house.

That’s another thing – it’s so much easier to be single when you have a single friend. It’s so much easier to be committed to being single and being okay with it when you have a friend who feels exactly the same. But she started dating a couple months ago. She started dating a guy from high school who was a year behind us. His brother was in our year.

So we all got together to hang out – me, my brother, miranda, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend’s brother. We played cards. I felt pretty comfortable – my brother and miranda are the most comfortable people in my life – and I felt alright around zach – I’ve been around him quite a bit both during and after high school. I wasn’t so comfortable with miranda’s boyfriend, whom I hadn’t seen since he was a scrawny, tiny, awkward teen (and he grew at least a foot since then).

miranda told me today that zach mentioned after I left that he was developing a crush on me. too bad I actually live out of town right now – because there’s no way he can do long distance again. (He just got dumped a few weeks ago by a younger girl in her first semester away at college.)

damn. why? why is this the only guy who shows any interest in me? someone who lives out of town, who is currently heartbroken and bitter, whom I don’t believe I’ve ever had that kind of interest in. I wished in that moment – and I still do – that I DID or COULD find an interest in him. that it could work out. I joked with miranda that if I dated him, we’d be dating brothers, and if it worked out for both of us, we finally WOULD have the same family. Miranda added that then we’d be together forever, and she’d get to follow me around everywhere. Man. that almost sounds better than falling in love with zach!

Miranda went to a wedding reception tonight with that family, so her boyfriend and zach are there. it’s actually just down the street. She called me an hour ago – I kept missing her calls – and she invited me over. She said Zach had suggested it. They’re just sitting around playing cards, apparently. Man, I wish I could go. But there’s no way. I’m wearing my pajamas, I have on my mom’s old sweatshirt (and XL), and I’m wearing glasses. I smell like rotten eggs because I gave my kitten her nasty medicated bath tonight. There’s no way. I know how amazing miranda looks right now, because I was with her ALL DAY finding the most perfect dress. I can’t go there looking like this! and it’s late and it’s tired and I’m leaving town tomorrow.

It’s stupid to start anything with zach. It feels easy right now – I’m here now, and I’ll be back in two weeks – but it’s not easy. It’s stupid. I don’t need something else pulling me away from louisville when my whole life is there and it HAS to be there while I’m in school. It isn’t a good time to get involved with him – he’s rebounding and I’m desperate.

Or maybe this is just my pattern. As soon as I realize that there is a chance for something to work out, I manage to sabotage it for myself. I can come up with all of these reasons to back out – I look like crap right now – so that I don’t get close to enough to find out if I could actually like him.

Besides, I mentioned it to mom, who reminded me, “isn’t he a cousin?”

she’s right. he is a cousin. 2nd or 3rd or something, but that’s still weird.