don’t trust me

I had a nightmare this morning about this journal.

I was in a seminar with my entire doctorate program. we were in a computer lab – each of us a computer in front of us. katsikas, the head of the department, was giving the lecture. he clicked on something, and this journal popped up. it popped up on all of our computers.

he began to talk about what a mistake it was, how easy it was to find.

I was mortified. my career, my life, was ending before my eyes – before it began.

I woke up in that instant, with the exact terror of the day that I was fired for my xanga account. I reacted the same way – I was ready to leap out of bed that instant and delete everything.

but I thought of ryan and val and terri and heather, and I couldn’t get out of that bed. I couldn’t delete this.

I was still completely convinced that the department was reading this journal at that very moment, that anyone in my program could be checking it out. laughing, gasping, signing the papers to kick me out of the program.

maybe I’ll just go to favorites only. it would be much safer. but I would lose the people who are most important. I would never get any new readers. and I haven’t kept up with the favorites list on here for years and years.

well, it’s the truth. I can’t keep this open journal much longer. I shouldn’t have kept it this long. but I still love ryan, terri, val, and heather….and they know that they can find me here, and sometimes they do. I don’t want to lock this journal and lose them forever.

I’ll need to deal with this soon.