believe in signs?

so a couple weeks ago, an old Hanover friends sent me a facebook message. she lives in Louisville, as I do, and has a 5 month old baby. I haven’t seen her since a month or so before the baby was born, but we keep up with one another’s blogs (not this one, my public one).

so, she sent me a message to let me know that there was a job opening for the nursery at her church. she had already told the church that she knew the perfect person for the job. she didn’t have a lot of info, except that it’s paid, and that the late service at her church is 10-11.

I told my friend I was interested – despite my current stress level – and the coordinator called me within a few days. she informed me that I would be supervisor in the nursery, meaning that I’m in charge of the volunteers, and supervise everything from arrival of the kids, enforcement of the policies, and clean-up after church. That’s four hours every week, beginning at 8 a.m.

whaaaat?!

I thought it was more like an hour a week….not four. and I thought I’d get to take care of kids…not supervise everything.

but I took a few days to think about it, made a list of pros and cons, and talked to my therapist. basically, I want to take the job because kids make me happy. they give me energy. I’ve missed kids desperately since I left my last child care job (in august). I’ve come to realize that one difference between my stress last year and this year is that last year I enjoyed the things that kept me busy. I worked with kids daily, and it gave me energy and made me happy. I was too busy and stressed, but I wouldn’t have given it up for anything. this year, my time is full of obligations – things that I must have in my schedule, things that I need to keep in my schedule because it’s good for me. I don’t get a lot of enjoyment out of much of it.

so, I would love to take this job because a little time with kids could make me happier. plus $40 a week is definitely a plus. that almost pays for my therapy every week. or, it pays for my gas every week (plus). this job would be good experience for me – building on supervisor skills – and would look good on my vitae. it would reduce my isolation that I’ve been dealing with by getting me plugged in to a church and forcing me to get to know people. also, the job wouldn’t necessarily increase my stress level. it doesn’t take time away from my other jobs or my homework – it just takes time away from sleep.

the biggest reason NOT to take the job is because I hate mornings. having to be somewhere – awake and looking nice – at 8 a.m. on a weekend sounds like torture. I don’t even get up that early during the week. why would I want to get up even earlier on the weekend, when I could be sleeping in? losing sleep and my relaxing weekend morning WILL increase my stress level. additionally, a reason not to take the job is because I’m afraid. I’m afraid that I won’t be good in a supervisory position: I’m not an outgoing people-person. I’m not friendly enough to get to know the mothers and volunteers quickly and smoothly. I’m afraid of my own past with kids: my last job that didn’t go well, and the time I let Britt get hurt. I’m terrified that people will find out how I have messed up in child care before.

my therapist didn’t help me make a decision at all. she just helped me see the next step. I can meet with the woman hiring, be honest about my position (I’m super stressed, yet kids make me happy), and find out more about the church and the job so that I can weigh my decision more accurately.

so today I met her for coffee. I showed up an hour early, as I like to do sometimes, so I didn’t have to be stressed about the clock or being in a new place, and so I could concentrate on homework for a while. when I got there, there was only one empty table. before ordering my drink, I found a Chinese fortune in my pocket from weeks before. I didn’t pause to read the fortune, but I saw the word “Supervisor” and its Chinese translation on the other side. I smiled at it, wondered if this was a sign from God about my meeting, and held it in my hand, meaning to read the fortune as I ordered my drink.

By the way, the fortune says, “Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” totally me, but doesn’t necessarily say anything about my meeting or this decision.

So my meeting was short. I was forthright about my position – too stressed, but I love kids – and she responded with her own forthright honesty: the church is expecting a change – a split or something – at the end of august, so the supervisor position will likely change. they may only need someone an hour on sunday after that point; they may go down to only one service a week. that’s PERFECT for me. I can handle this job over the summer – since I’ll be taking half the classes – and I hope I can handle the job for the rest of this semester. I’m immediately tempted to take the job after she said this – it makes it sound like I’m only making a temporary commitment. after the summer, both I and the church will be in a perfect position to re-evaluate the job. in the fall, I’ll be picking up a practicum on top of the rest of my commitments, so it’s the perfect time to either quit or take the reduced hours.

we didn’t talk a lot about my experience, but the coordinator was excited that she found me through a church member. apparently they had a hard time in the past finding someone to hire. they tried advertising and thought about using an agency, then hired someone through a church member.

I wish that I had talked more about myself, about my past experiences with kids, and about just how much I miss kids and want to be with them. as I handed her my completed application at the end, she mentioned off-hand that she would contact a couple of my references. I was kind of hoping she wouldn’t. I’m scared that she’ll call the job I was fired from, and I’m scared that they’ll say bad things about me. but I need to be rational here. first – all of my references will without doubt highly recommend me. second – if she does call that job, there’s a greatly chance that they won’t be negative. they promised when they fired me that they wouldn’t be negative. if she asks if they’ll rehire me, they’ll say something about how they’d have to carefully evaluate me first. they certainly can’t say exactly why I was fired – but they could reveal that I was fired, which would be bad. besides, if she does call them, and if they do tell her I was fired, and if that does result in me not getting hired, there’s really no harm. so I won’t get this job – no big deal. it has no reprecusions for my future, as I’ll never have contact with this church again. and next time I can try to avoid this happening. I dunno.

so, I really think now that I want to take the job. I know that it will make my schedle more complicated for now, but I hope that the payoff will make it worth it. I’m so excited to hold babies and play with toddlers! I’m already thinking of the fun things I can do with the toddlers. I can make slime with them, just like I did with my summer class. we can do art projects. I can bring in boxes for them to climb in. I’m so excited! I’m not even hired yet.

so if it is hard to fit into my schedule, it will actually only be so for a month; I don’t start until the last week of march, and my se

mester ends in april. may – august I have my light summer schedule, so it won’t be so hard to handle this job. plus, there will be more light in the summer for those early mornings, so it’ll be easier to get up.

another plus: it’s totally okay when I need weekends off. the coordinator also has family out of town that she sees often, so she completely understands my desire to go see my family when I can.

I’m still worried about my stress, and I’m definitely worried that she’s going to find out that I got fired, but otherwise I’m excited. I’m also worried to let on to others that I’m taking a third job despite my stress. but it’s so helpful to know that A – my commitment is really only until August and B – I can take off on Sundays whenever I need to.

just knowing that I may soon be getting a little bit of time every week with toddlers and babies gives me more hope and happiness. (it probably helps a whole lot that I’m on spring break right now, so I’m not working either job and I have an extra week to get homework done, plus I’m visiting Hanover tomorrow and my family for the rest of the week.)