being genuine me

another entry about andrew. did you expect anything else?

the days following my last entry sucked as much as that entry did. each day, I wondered what I could/should/shouldn’t do to let andrew know that I’m here but not forcing him to talk. it was a terrible game to play.

on tuesday, I got up the guts to just say “hi” to him online. he said, “you’ve got some nerve”. my heart leaped to my throat, and my adrenaline rushed. what the hell did that mean? have I done something wrong? is he angry at me? wait – what could I have POSSIBLY done wrong? shouldn’t I be angry with him?

I had im’ed him during our favorite show – House – but I had completely forgotten it was on. phew! he only met that I had some nerve interrupting the show. I asked him a couple questions about the episode I had been missing, and he answered me, but after that said nothing more and made no more response to me. I let it go.

wednesday, I got up the guts to say hello again. I asked him how he was, and he said he was “surviving”, which is the best that anyone could ask of him right now. so of course I said, “so what’s going on?” his reply? duh: “I don’t want to talk about it.” I said okay. my heart in my throat, I asked, “what do you need from me right now?” he said “nothing.” I thought this through, and carefully crafted my response: “okay, then the ball is in your court. it’s up to you to tell me what you need from me. it’s up to you to talk to me or not talk to me. but I’m here, and I care for you probably more than you know right now.” he responded with, “isn’t that the way it usually is.” he meant the part about me caring more than he knows. I don’t know why he said that, and he didn’t answer when I asked.

so that was the last time I talked to him. I felt so much better to have said those things to him. to have asked him directly what he needed, and to have told him that it’s his turn – he needs to tell me when and what he needs from me. it doesn’t mean that I give up on him or that I’m not here, it just means I’m not going to keep playing this terrible guessing game. so andrew hasn’t spoken to me. that’s okay. now, it’s okay, because I’m not guessing what he wants from me.

I’ve been learning through this how supportive my friends and therapist are, and I am so very glad to learn this. I tried to keep my frustrations with andrew to myself at first, because I didn’t want people to judge either of us and try to give me advice. I need to talk things through, and I need support, but I don’t need advice. I don’t need anyone to tell me that I need to break up with him. that’s my decision, and I will make it on my own if that’s what I need to do.

I have also learned through this how much I care for andrew. I started thinking about the very beginning – that first date with him. I remember the absolute thrill of being with him, of holding his hand for the first time. I remember hating to see him go, being terrified to tell him how hard I was falling for him. I remember the first time I went to his place – how I just couldn’t stop smiling when I looked into his face. how wonderful it felt that this boy could make me smile just by looking at me! I remember when I had my flashbacks, how supportive and helpful he was.

miranda reminded me how lucky I am that andrew was supportive – and not only that, but helpful. she’s right. I’m so lucky. I care for andrew so much. I’m not ready to give up on this kid. I’m still ready to fall madly in love with him!

so, last sunday, BEFORE andrew started this “something’s wrong and I don’t want to talk about it” thing, I had this dawning idea. paige got invited to a wedding, and asked me to go as her date. I know the bride – we went to college with her – I just wasn’t as close to her as paige. the wedding is in indy, and it was today. I realized last sunday that paige and I could go a little early and show up at andrew’s restaurant for lunch. we could surprise him! he’s been working doubles lately, but I didn’t know for sure that he’d be there. I figured I could find that out during the week while we were talking. when I had this idea, and passed it by paige, I had no idea how the week would unfold. I had no idea andrew would not talk to me all week.

so after wednesday, when I told andrew that it was up to him to tell me when he wanted me in his life, I was faced with a delimma. do I go ahead and surprise him at work? my therapist helped me realize that my idea to surprise him was purely me. I was being myself – bringing myself into this relationship. I didn’t decide to do this BECAUSE there’s something he’s not telling me. I decided to surprise andrew because that’s who I am. I would have tried to turn this opportunity into a surprise anyway, even if our relationship was fantastic right now, even if it were some other guy I were dating. that’s just me. so my therapist helped me prepare for the acknowledgement that I have absolutely no idea how andrew will react. he’s obviously in a depressed phase, and there’s no telling how he’ll take it for me to show up at his workplace.

so, on the way up today, I told paige everything. I told paige what had been going on with andrew, what I had told andrew on wednesday, and my delimma that I didn’t know how he would react. (I actually didn’t even know if he’d be working.) I told paige that I needed her to be supportive no matter what – we were going to have an awesome day, and whatever happened wasn’t going to ruin it. I told her that I didn’t need her to judge the situation or him, and I needed her help in remembering that how he reacts is all HIM, and not my fault. I explained how heartfelt the gesture was from me – that this was something I would have planned regardless of whatever situation andrew is in right now. paige’s reaction was amazing – complete support, and completely proud of me for how well I was handling all of this.

so, fast forward a couple hours: we arrive at the restaurant. we drove around the back to see if I could spot his car. I didn’t remember what car he had, except that it was a silver four-door and a nice car (at least for a college student). we quickly saw a car with a hanover college sticker. well, there’s no doubt about that – silver four-door, hanover college….that’s andrew. that’s when panic set in. I was so terrified! I had actually been hoping that andrew wouldn’t be working.

I was shaking as we walked in. I asked the hostess to seat us in andrew’s section. she made a face, but recovered quickly – I still read into it and wondered what that could have meant. my legs were shaking and I was wearing heels – it was hard to walk. as she led us to our table, we passed andrew. as he passed us, he said, “what the hell are you guys doing here?” there wasn’t a hint of a smile or kindness in his face or his words. he was headed to the kitchen, we were following our waitress. she seated us, and I was absolutely terrified. what if this didn’t go well? it certainly wasn’t off to a good start. what was going to happen now? I tried to read the menu, but I couldn’t focus on a single word.

andrew slid into the booth, right up against me, and started talking. I was so incredibly relieved! he didn’t look angry, but he looked happier now, and more appropriately surprised. he didn’t stay long, but took our drink orders, and squ

eezed my knee as he stood.

I was still shaking – now from the sheer relief. I couldn’t believe the turn-around! of course, I don’t blame him. it must have been a huge shock, and I know he doesn’t like surprises much. I can understand why his initial reaction wasn’t so good.

andrew sat down several times throughout our meal, and each time was wonderful. there was never time for a real conversation, but it didn’t matter. it felt so good to have him near me, to feel him touch me. I wanted him to take my hand. I found that when he was next to me, I just stared into his face. I didn’t care what we spoke about. I noticed the unique bright hue to his bluish eyes, I noticed that his beard needed trimming, I thought desperately about kissing him. I noticed the details of his face like I hadn’t in a while. and I didn’t realize it at the time – but I don’t think I stopped smiling when he was there. it made me so happy just to have him next to me for a moment!

I got up to use the restroom once. the bathroom was close to the hostess stand, where there was an open space of floor. when I left the bathroom, andrew was there talking to another server. I bet he was waiting for me. I started to walk past him, not even considering interupting, but andrew fell into step with me. as we walked back to my table, he told me he missed me. I said, “good!” I shouldn’t have said that, and I regretted it. he said, “if would have been just as easy to say that you missed me, too.” I backtracked, and tried to say that I clearly missed him very much. I hope he knows I do! I wish I hadn’t smarted off at first. he’s right. all I had to do was say directly and sincerely that I missed him too.

at another point, andrew was seated next to me for a moment. he asked how long we were staying in town. I let paige answer – she told him what time the wedding was, that we were driving home afterwards, and that she had originally offered to drive separately so that I could stay longer with andrew. it was obvious that her offer was reluctant – it always was – and I concluded that I was glad to have been able to drive together, or for me to drive instead of her in the end.

andrew got up soon after that, and paige asked me if she had said too much with that answer. I told her it was perfect. I was so glad that andrew had asked that – made it sound like he had a distant hope of seeing me after work. I wanted him to realize that if he hadn’t been shutting me out for the past week, he would have had that possibility. he would have at least been able to discuss that possibility with me, though I don’t think I would have done it.

it wasn’t hard to leave, although I had thought more than once about how good it would be for him to pull me aside for a good kiss. of course it wasn’t possible….but man it would have been great.

I am so very, very glad that I went through with this! I was so close to chickening out. I think he needed to see me – if only to remind himself that he misses me. maybe this will get him to place me back in his life again. I’m glad he got to see me looking good and even wearing heals. I’m glad that he seemed to realize that he WANTED to see more of me today.

it felt so good just to have him near me. I needed to be reminded that something so simple as touching my knee as he stood can thrill me. I needed to be reminded that just looking into his gorgeous face makes me smile uncontrollably. I needed to be reminded of how proud he makes me – he is a GOOD waiter, one of those rare engaging ones. I think he needed this, and I hope he got something out of it, and I see now how much I needed it, too. and I hope it means something for our floundering relationship. it brings me more hope, at least. and I know it was a genuine effort on my part. what could be better for us than a glimpse at genuine caring on my part?