again and again

class was cancelled tonight. I finished my homework for tomorrow, and started to get sleepy, so I figured – why not just take a nap? I had a few extra hours anyway, and it wouldn’t be that long. I set my homework down, turned down the volume on the tv, and curled up on the couch under a blanket.

I had a horrible nightmare that went on and on.

my dad had kidnapped me and we were living in a van. it had a bed in the back. he was constantly touching me and hitting me. for all the really bad stuff, I always blacked out. I couldn’t remember any of it, but I knew it had happened again. I whimpered constantly. when he touched me, I gasped in pain. I think I tried to escape, and I know I tried to get him to stop touching me. he’d hit me instead.

at one point, we were parked in a huge parking lot. there were other cars around, but not a lot. I was out of the car once – to use the bathroom or buy food – and on my way back to the van, I saw two men. I knew dad was watching me, so I tried to indicate that I was ignoring them. they wouldn’t let me walk away. so I turned my back to the van and listened to me. they said they’d been hanging out in the parking lot, and they knew we’d been here a while. they knew he was hurting me – they saw him hit me. I said, “there’s something you need to know. he is hurting me. and…I think he might kill me.” as I spoke the last part, they were indicating to me that he was coming up behind me. sure enough, he did. he dragged me back into the van.

as he started up the car, other cars in the lot turned their lights on. we started a crazy chase from the movie – people died, or dad got away, either way: we were alone again. there was absolutely no hope. there was no one to help me. and I knew how futile it was to try to escape. I stopped thinking about ways to get away. he was talking about the bed in the back, about all of his sexual thoughts of me. he was touching my hair, my face, my neck, my chest, as he drove. each touch was terrifying and painful. I couldn’t stop whimpering. I tried to get him to stop touching me while driving, but that only worked momentarily. there was absolutely no hope left. I knew he was going to pull over soon, was going to do the scary things soon, and I knew I was going to black out again. I knew there was no way to stop any of it.

then I realized I could wake up. I willed myself to open my eyes. when I did, I realized my throat hurt from all of the screaming and crying. I was hot from the terror. and when I moved, my wrists hurt sharply from where he had pulled on them. I half expected a cut on my wrist. he must have threatened me with a knife in the dream. actually, now that I think about it, he DID cut me in the dream.

I wanted to talk to andrew. I wanted the protection of andrew, the comfort of being in his arms or at least in his care. more than that, I wished that andrew was still the same guy that I could turn to. I remembered years ago, when he was that guy. weeks ago, when he was that guy. I wished he was still that guy.

my tv was on static. my internet was down. I realized in hopelessness that my cable was out. no tv, no internet. I knew I should get up and reset it to see if it helped. but the hopelessness of the dream was still with me. I could only lie there and think about the terrible dream, slipping back into sleep. without the internet, I knew I was utterly alone. I had my phone, but there was no one I could call. so I laid there.