a year ago

well, I finished the movie, and now I’m not tired. naturally. so I looked through this to find out what I did last year on the fourth. apparently nothing. I remember now – I had gone home for the weekend, and on the evening of the fourth I was driving back to hanover. I caught a few fireworks along the drive.

in my entries from a year ago, I was having a lot of nightmares. I don’t remember them now, but I wrote some of them down then. they were terrible nightmares about people breaking into the houses that I was housesitting. I still have thoughts about people getting into my apartment, but so far they’re just thoughts – I can rationalize them away, and I push myself to recognize that they aren’t real. I force myself to walk across my apartment in the dark, or to not panic when I’m in the shower and think I see a shadow. I force myself to not run for my glasses when I glance up without them and see a shape resembling a person (when in fact it’s the refridgerator or the door).

I’m not having nightmares. I have bad dreams and weird dreams – this morning I dreamed that I was stuck in a gym class where I had to continually circle around a stadium walking on a rope. I couldn’t leave, or the gym teacher would get me, and I couldn’t fall, or I would be seriously injured. I had to just keep going around. in another dream, I was wandering through an old house that was full of spirits. I couldn’t gather my whole family to leave.

so it’s been months, and I’m still having dreams of the same theme: escape or inability to escape.

for one of the very first times this summer, I have the thought: I miss katie. I miss my therapist. it can’t sink in that she’s not my therapist anymore until I start thinking that I need her. someday soon, maybe I’ll get a new therapist. but a therapist doesn’t fill the lonely void of sharing with another person who is actually in my life.

a year ago, in my journal entries, I was excited and nervous about meeting ryan. I hadn’t met him yet…and part of me wants to go back and tell her that meeting him would change things. but I guess she alreday knew that anyway. and even though it changed our friendship, I had a fantastic time with him, and I keep hoping that our friendship will move into a new phase again, like it always did in the past.

a year ago, I had just found out about our vacation in san fransisco. it’s sweet to see my own excitement, the excitement that slowly built over a year. the vacation and its meaning changed a lot in the year before it came, but it was still more wonderful than my anticipation could have hoped for.

the fireworks are over now, and I can hear a thunderstorm moving in instead. it’s a wonder that the rain held off during the fireworks show – we had a window in the storms. that’s God.