a thought renewed

maybe it’s the exhaustion – I have hardly slept in the past two weeks, due to homework – but at times things from the past just hit me like they’re new.

it’s been three years now since I found out that dad practiced voyeurism against me. and as I sit here tonight, those videotapes and that court hearing crossed my mind. in my head were the images from those tapes, the words I spoke through my tears at that hearing. and it all hit me as though it was all still new.

how could dad do that to me? how could any of that truly be real? it’s so incredibly surreal to realize that you were videotaped in your own bathroom, in the one place where you know you are completely alone. suddenly it’s as unreal as it was that day that I found the unlabeled tape, put it in the VCR, and sank slowly to the floor as I watched myself on the video.

and yet the tears in my eyes now – even now – remind me that it was real. it did happen. there is a reason why I spend every day of my life feeling that I need to look over my shoulder, look in the dark corners of my home, my car, my life.

there is a reason why I scan both ends of a hallway before I enter it, why I continually look over my shoulder while vacuuming, why I avoid having my back to a doorway or open space.

three years ago, when all of this came out, I thought of it often. every single day when I ended my shower, and it was time to reach for my towel, I thought of dad and that camera. now, I don’t think often of the camera. I don’t even often think of the word “voyeurism.” it’s as though the trauma has become more generalized. for instance, now when I am in the shower, or ending my shower, I am often convinced that someone is in the bathroom. that he is going to whip open the shower curtain, or that he is just standing there – waiting for me to open the curtain before he grabs me. the fears have become more diffuse, more general, much less specific. it’s no longer about the camera, or dad, or even the general feeling of being “watched.” it’s now less realistic, less distinct, and much more difficult to pinpoint. no wonder I scored so high on the MMPI for schizophrenia and paranoia! and no wonder my scores on PTSD scales were not nearly as elevated as the schizophrenia scale. my symptoms are less specific to PTSD now. I’m not saying that it’s possible to develop schizophrenia from PTSD – I don’t believe it is! but my fears have become more vague and diffuse than the actual traumas, which would appear closer to schizophrenic symptoms on a scale like this one.

so what’s to be done about it? just keep living with it? I’m intrigued lately to notice that I have been presenting with these specific problems for years now. I have very specific thoughts that are intrusive and repetitive. I have these fears every day of my life, though they are less explicit now than they were. clearly, these problems can be understood very thoroughly and addressed just as thorougly through cognitive-behavioral therapy. however, none of my therapists have ever utilized that theory. they lean toward a more long-term therapy that is much more insight oriented. they would rather point out my relational patterns, dig into the unconscious and the symbols, and rarely focus on my actual specific thoughts/fears. actually, they largely ignore the effect of the actual thoughts and fears and how they impact my life. they show little concern for how to resolve them.

given that I find myself falling into the same orientation as the therapists I choose, it is no surprise that I am very willing to address the things that are also most interesting to them. I bring my thoughts and fears into the therapy in less explicit ways – such as drawing a picture depicting a specific thought and discussing the drawing in therapy.

what worries me is that I will likely practice just as they do; I will find cognitive-behavioral therapy much less interesting, and I will not focus on the things that it addresses. I will do little to actually improve my clients’ lives in the immediacy that they might want it.

I’m rambling now, and there are productive things I should be doing right now.