22nd year

interesting that only about two days ago I realized I hadn’t been writing and I hadn’t even given a thought to drawing in weeks. interesting and sad. all of my energy is just gone, and with it my energy for creativity (which for me, is the essence of life).

I don’t love my job. why not? I have the most amazing class – 7 girls and 1 sweet boy – all two years old. I’m lead teacher. my job pays decent, it’s in a great neighborhood, it’s close to “home,” my coworkers are quite friendly. why don’t I love it? I keep hoping it just hasn’t all come together yet, and when it does, I’ll fall in love. maybe I never instantly love a child care job, it just comes with time. yeah. that’s probably true.

I don’t get off work until 6. and if I have to cook dinner, that takes time. always turn the tv on, and that zaps time. I try to unpack a little every night, but honestly my heart’s not in it much. I feel so tired in the evenings, yet I can’t fall asleep. I give myself 7-8 hours of sleep each night, but wake up exhausted.

give me some credit. I just finished four years at a difficult school, and I’m bracing myself for the much harder years of school ahead. so what if I’m worn out this summer?

well, I have something specific to write about tonight. on my birthday, my mom said I had two packages – one from a person who only gave initials, and one from dad. I recognized the initials as my old roommate. mom really wanted to open my package from dad, but I asked her to wait until I came home this weekend.

when I got home, mom gave me about five minutes before asking, “well? what are you waiting for?” so I opened the package from dad.

I set the card aside without opening it, and pulled out packing bubbles around a smaller box. that box had packing peanuts in it surrounding a smaller still box – that box held a snowbaby – kneeling with hands in prayer. the box was clear, and I didn’t even bother to open it and take out the snow baby. I said, “that’s it?” and set it aside. who cares about a snowbaby? I reached for the card.

before opening it, I said that dad was just playing off of his knowledge that I was a Christian. mom agreed, obviously relieved that I had recognized this. the card had a cat on it – I laughed, showing it to mom. clearly playing off of my love for cats as well. the message from him was simple – “happy birthday dad”

I had expected a long note from him. I don’t know why. but it shocked me to find only those three words. he didn’t even write “love”! but really, what did I expect him to write? he has nothing to say, and certainly nothing I want to hear. I don’t want his apologies, and I don’t want him to implore that as a Christian I must forgive him.

mom noted that the snowbaby was a box – inside the tiny box was a cross on a goldish chain. the necklace looked old – like it needed to be cleaned or tossed out. after some silence, mom noted that the diamonds in the cross looked real, that he’d probably picked it up at an auction (he works for an auction company).

why now? why did dad send a present now? why not on my 21st birthday? why not in celebration of graduation? what’s so important about 22? nothing. if he can send me a present, why can’t he send us some money? he owes us thousands in child support. and actually, in court, part of his sentence was to give me $40,000 for my college debt. I’ll never see any of that.

mom asked later if I would wear the cross. NO! I pointed out to matt that the cross I do wear is the one that was given to me on the day that I testified AGAINST my dad – so why would I wear a cross given to me by him?

why my birthday? why not matt’s, or mom’s? because it’s me. lucky me, the one he can’t let go of. I’ve been wondering lately if he could let go. now I know – he can’t. at least not yet. and not of me.

he wants me to reach out to him – which is precisely why I’m not going to. his attempt to pull at my christianity makes me want to reject it even more. not that I reject christianity as a whole….just the traditional, conservative ends of it (which seem many).

here I sit, on my bed at home, in the dark. my brand new laptop is in my lap, and this is really my first time using it. I love my mother so much. she is so wonderful now, it makes it easy (at times) to forget how terrible I felt she was before. I’m so tired though….it’s WAY past my bedtime.

and I can’t help wondering….had dad found me online? does he read this journal, or my xanga? has he found all of the pictures floating on the internet from my fantstic senior year? urgh. I hope not, but I certainly wouldn’t put it past him to do any or all of those things.