Purell and Tonic, with a twist (edited)

I love Pride and Prejudice. I love it. Best film ever. I want to marry Mr Darcy. The terrible, terrible things I would do to that man. Awful. I’ve watched it twice in the last three days – all six hours. That’s half a day of solid Mr Firth. And that’s not the only reason – the book is one of my favourites, its such a delicious love story. Eliza has to be one of my favourite heroines – witty, intelligent, self-confident, quick, but also encompassing all those lovely human flaws which make her so real. A definite improvement on those pathetic, paragon-esque mithering little fools such as Tess of the D’Urbervilles or Fanny Price, who just loll around waiting for a man to solve all of their problems. Tess is particularly irritating – I want to slap her and tell her to stand up for herself for once.

Basically, the high presence of Pride and Prejudice in my life is down to the fact that I am now back on placement and thus only have the energy to work and lie down watching films or sleeping. I’m having a great time on my ward though – it’s a nephrology (renal, kidney) ward and the staff and patients are lovely. I’m learning so much – nurses often treat students as glorified unpaid healthcare assistants or skivvys who are there solely to save them time – I’m hardly allowed to do any scut work. They always seem to make time for me, spend ages answering my endless questions, explain every step of what they’re doing and let me try everything I’m allowed to do, as well as some things I’m not.

Despite my enjoyment of this placement, it’s convincing me every day even more than all I really want to do is medicine. I see the doctors every day, go on rounds with them, badger them to talk me through their examinations and explain every tiny detail. I know I would be a good doctor – without being full of myself – because I want it so much. I always have. The human body fascinates me. I don’t think I could ever be satisfied being a nurse, although I have so much respect for them and realise that they do, in fact, run the hospital, but working with doctors every day and not being one would kill me.

I’m moving into my new house on Friday. I went to see it last weekend and helped Liz’s parents sort it out – she’s got mumps, poor hamster-face, so is at home in London – and it’s gorgeous. New wooden floors, white walls, beautiful wooden furniture. There’s a little wooden vanity table in my room (which incidentally has huge bay windows, and is generally light and airy and wonderful) with a tilting mirror (just like the one Katy uses to smash her vase in Katy Did) and two tiny little drawers on the top for me to keep all my pretty things in. It’s all carved too, with twirls and curlicues and I love it. You are all invited to come and stay.

Vicks and I went out on Saturday night, and drank an obscene amount. We had a lovely time, and generally danced our socks off. A topless man kissed Vicks’s foot. Someone asked my name and then ran away. Many odd events took place. It was great though – our last night out, as Vicks goes home tomorrow. I’m going to miss her so much. She’s out feeding the ducks in the pond at the moment with another one of her friends.

Oh – my stalker Dan still keeps calling me. Not only is he the most boring man in the world, but also a total loser. We went on one date, about three months ago, which I escaped from after about half an hour. I have not once called or texted him, and have ignored almost every single one of his calls after telling him that I am ‘at a confusing time of my life and I didn’t think it would be a good idea for us to go out again’. And yet still he calls! What must I do? I told him that I was away in London until September, so hopefully he’ll leave off for a while. Fingers crossed I don’t bump into him on the town one night, although I guess that might give him the hint!

This should have said ‘edited to be longer and more boring’ because I’m going to add a huge amount of random facts about myself which are of little interest to anyone but me. Because, you know, I can. Right, this is filched from Moobabe, who in turn thieved it from someone else who I can’t remember.

Take the last two digits of the year you were born, and think of that amount of facts about yourself. Or something along those lines.

I was born in 1985

1. My name is Emily, and I have refused to divulge my middle name for many years due to the fact that it is highly embarassing.

2. I was born in Toronto, although I’ve lived in England since I was two and am basically English through and through

3. I unfortunately smoke although I’m well aware of the harm I’m causing to my delicate lungs, and plan to quit in the near future.

4. I used to have an obsessive crush on Will Young. Dammit, the man is a god!

5. I’m not religious, although I have tried. Too cynical, I think.

6. I’m desperate to learn to drive, but at the moment I’m too poor to ever hope to own a car.

7. I’m terrified of spiders and hate all things which crawl or creep

8. My parents are divorced

9. My father lives in Toronto

10. My mother has a partner called Adrian, who I detest. They’ve been together for eleven years.

11. I’m a fussy eater

12. When I was seven, I pulled another girl’s skirt down during a dance show at school

13. I do the Guardian crossword every day, then tear it out of the paper and pin it to my pinboard

14. I love getting letters

15. My favourite smells are newly laundered and ironed sheets and my mother’s perfume

16. My least favourite smells are those exuded by the bodily fluids of sick people

17. I don’t tan. Ever.

18. I can speak snippets of French, German, Italian and Luganda

19. I’ve become obsessive over tidiness since starting university

20. I am incapable of budgeting and always run out of money

21. I’m very shy around new people, and it takes me a long time to trust anyone

22. I wear a silver ring on the fourth finger of my right hand

23. It was a present from my bes

t friend

24. I play the violin, flute and piano

25. I used to sing, before the smoking wrecked my voice

26. French knickers are my favourite type of underwear

27. I love all things pink

28. I want a baby. I want one I want one I want one.

29. I used to have my nose pierced with a tiny blue stud, but it fell out when I was swimming in the sea the Christmas before last.

30. I often feel totally undesirable

31. I got my hair cut two weeks ago at a pink hairdressers where the girl didn’t seem to speak a word of English

32. I don’t eat nuts

33. I love octopus

34. While I was in Kenya I ate zebra, crocodile, giraffe and eland

35. I lived in Uganda for a year

36. I always eat five portions of fruit and vegetables a day

37. I haven’t been to the gym for over two months

38. I don’t have any brothers or sisters, but six cousins

39. I like to cook

40. I wish I knew more about everything

41. I am terrible at getting round to doing my washing

42. I couldn’t survive without my computer, or apples

43. I’m always going to be a big kid

44. Although people tend to describe me as ‘confident’, I’m actually scared witless a lot of the time

45. I like to steal pretty glasses from bars

46. I have a criminal record for stealing a banner

47. I have spent a night in an African jail, for the above crime

48. When I was younger, I had a hamster called George, who I accidentally squashed to death with a plank of wood

49. I now have two beautiful spaniels, who live in Toronto with my father

50. My father’s partner is called Karen

51. I like Karen more than my father

52. Both the book and the film Little Women make me sob my eyes out

53. When I’m PMS-ing, everything makes me cry. Even Hollyoaks.

54. I watch Scrubs all the time

55. I would never wear fur, but I eat meat. Where’s the logic??

56. I used to like going sailing, but when I sailed a few months ago here, a nasty boy made me cry, so I haven’t gone again since

57. I cannot stand boring or stupid people

58. I’m jealous of something about everyone

59. There is a tub of vaseline next to my bed, because I get dry elbows

60. My right toe nail has a habit of falling off

61. Reading is one of my favourite things to do.

62. Books I love include: P&P and all books by Jane Austen and the Bronte sisters, trashy novels as written by Jilly Cooper and the Harry Potter series. Oh, and Sebastian Faulks, and.. too many to mention here

63. I would be lost without music

64. I can’t write essays until a week before the deadline. I need stress.

65. I once had a Wagon Wheel fight with my friends

66. I was picked Wagon Wheel fragments out of the furniture for weeks after

67. I’m not nearly as ambitious as I used to be. I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll never change the world

68. I am awful at getting up but can go from sleeping to being out of the house in fifteen minutes flat. It’s an art.

69. I can get an entire mini milk ice cream including stick down the back of my throat, a skill which I demostrated to my mother with immense pride at the age of 15.

70. I hoarde things which I know full well I will never have a use for again, but can’t bring myself to throw away

71. I like indie boys

72. I love being in a bath surrounded by candles until I turn pink and wrinkly

73. When I’m out, I tend to drink gin and tonic

74. I suffer from mild kleptomania

75. I love to play pool, and I’m slowly improving

76. When I lost my virginity, my mother was the first person I told

77. I wish I’d been born in the sixteenth century, and got to wear beautiful dresses and be a real lady

78. Once a year I fulfil this fantasy and take part in a re-enactment of the Tudor period at a mansion where I am a wench and wear flowers in my hair

79. During the course of filling out this quiz, my flatmate and I had a brief two hour break where we sang Spice Girls songs very loudly and excitedly and dissected the rest of our flatmates. This interlude arose from my flatmate using the words ‘when two become one’ in conversation

80. I have set four alarms for tomorrow morning to ensure I am up in time for my shift

81. I love the smell of Nivea hand moisturiser

82. I have five different groups of friends – my Leamington friends, London friends, Uganda friends, University friends and Miscellanious friends who I have acquired along the way

83. The only makeup I ever wear is black mascara and eyeliner, even though I know I should wear brown because I am blonde and fair-skinned, and red lip tint occasionally

84. I often neglect to take off said makeup after a night out

85. There are four and a half hours until I must be up for work

Well, P&P is calling, and I feel the nee

d to lie on a hard floor. There’s definitely something wrong with my back. I’m falling apart in my old age. Sleep good.