Absolution (updated with happy pictures)
I’ve just got back from Newcastle and I’m exhausted. I collapsed on my bed for about twenty minutes before people discovered I was home and descended upon me in true R-Block style. I’m absolutely shattered, penniless, don’t altogether smell like roses, and to top it off, have discovered what a complete fool with a total lack of self-control I am.
For, I was a little stupid. I have always, if not prized virginity, then respected it and been in no hurry to throw it away. Which is why at 19, I’m still fresh and innocent as the day I was born (ish). Or until Monday, when somewhere in my drink befuddled mind, sleeping with some random guy who lives with Nick seemed like a fantastic idea. What the hell was I thinking? I’ve shocked my friends, I’ve shocked myself – could this be more out of character for me? And now I can’t get it out of my mind. The opportunity has presented itself so many times before (well, it’s not like I have a long line of suitors on horses with helmets, but you know what I mean) and I have always passed up on it, because I wanted it to be special, to feel right. I wanted the whole bloody fairytale. In the end I just went for the teenage cliche (which especially pisses me off, because I try to avoid being a stereotype) and slept with some random guy at a party when I was off my face.
It could have been worse. He could have looked like a toad (he didn’t). He could have been totally insensitive (he wasn’t). The condom could have broken. We could have not used one (although even in my drunken, foolish, state I hope I wouldn’t be that stupid). It could have been a horrible experience. And it was none of the above. He was sweet, and gave me so many chances to back out. It wasn’t awkward at all, we chatted and giggled and got along fine, even during the awkward putting-your-clothes-back-on part. It was just, in retrospect, the wrong person, place and time.
I rang up my mother the next day, in my hungover and traumatised state. She’s had a couple of – surprising – opening lines to conversations from me before, noteably in the past "Hi mum, can I use the credit card to bail myself out of African jail?" and reacted quite well to her only daughter calling her to say she’d got drunk and slept with a random boy. She said all the right things. Maybe it was just your time. Don’t ever be ashamed of myself and hold your head up high. Everything’s an experience. It’s much better with someone you love. She was fantastic. I’ve never really appreciated the relationship I have with my mum which means I can call her in the middle of the day at work and drop things like this in her lap. She’s wonderful.
In the evening I cried on Nick which made everything better too. He also knew exactly what to say. Most of that evening was a bit of a blur – he had a house party so there were lots of random people there (don’t worry, I managed to restrain myself and not drag any of them into bed this time) and lots of wine and then later, certain narcotics which certainly do not mix well with said alcohol. I went to bed at about two, knowing that things would only go downhill if I stayed awake. Lovely but suspiciously gay Matt was there and we danced and sang along to Dirty Dancing and Moulin Rouge. Beth and I had cuddly-time in Nick’s bed, and a strange boy kept walking in and out of the room apologising for disturbing us. He’s convinced B and I are together. He wandered in later when I was in bed and Nick was leaning over me explaining the rules of sharing his bed ("You may only take up fourty per cent of the bed. You must not steal all the bedclothes. You must not expand during the night (he has a theory that in the middle of the night, I expand like the Michelan Man and push him out of bed). You must not snore.." etc) and made derogatory comments about us while Nick tried to explain the purely platonic nature of our relationship. He was also quite drunk, so the explanation was somewhat confumbled. This strange boy now thinks I am a complete whore, after finding me in bed with two different people in one night. Ha.
Oh, I almost forgot, the guy from the disastrous date rang me again. It was a total suprise, and absolutely the last thing I wanted to have to think about. I had the urge to scream "Did I not make it perfectly obviously with my faster-than-Seb-Coe-running-the-hundred-metres dash from your company that I never want to lay eyes on you again?!" but managed to restrain it to a mumbled profession of confusion, which at the time was and still is true. It was a pretty pathetic excuse though. I think he got the hint. I hope he did, otherwise he must be more stupid than I previously suspected. Ah, I have a callous streak running bone deep, and, as my father always used to say, a little black spot somewhere above my heart.
I’m slightly concerned about the amount of lectures I’ve missed going up to Newc. I’m obviously going to have to lie and say I was ill, but even so – I should try very hard not to miss any more for a long long time.
I’ve got no sodding money either. I’m not quite sure what I’m supposed to do, as I’m up to York this weekend to visit Roe, and have zilch moola. I might have to ask the bank to extend my overdraft limit, as I’ve got my phone bill coming out sometime in the next week too. Bah.
I think I’ve whittered on enough about all this, but it did affect me quite a lot, much more than I ever thought it would. Maybe having written all of it down will stop the graphic flashbacks which keep popping into my mind every time I close my eyes. Please, God.
Just wanted to update because I’ve finally scanned some of my photos into the computer, and they’re of the times I’ve been happiest in my whole life. Enjoy. I do.
Nick, me, B and Paddy at a posh hotel by Lake Tanganyika – we’d just got off a boat on which, shortly after embarking, we discovered had sunk three times. I had been swimming in my bra, which explains the wet patches after I put my clothes back on. We were in a pool full of mercury, and the boys, trained lifeguards, spent most of the time trying to drown me and B. Paddy almost emasculated himself after a misjudged bomb. It was very funny. Beth is wearing entirely my clothes.
Me and my babies. I miss them so much. I love how they’re all looking at the camera and I’m not – I think someone had started crying just as the photo was taken, and so I turned to see what was going on
<img src="http://im1.shutterfly.com/procserv/47b5dd22b3127cce90dd1790efb7000
00016108BbNnLVwyZw” />
Paul, me and Paddy. Paul has the plaster on his lip to cover his highly contagious impetigo. We all refused to go near him. Paddy is looking very unshaven. I adore this photo – it’s slightly mystical unfocussed quality pretty much describes the whole time we were travelling; dreamlike, magical, drunken. I miss it.
your relationship with your mom sounds awesome! I wish that I had that. And think about it like this: at least you knew what happened and you didn’t hear from your friends that you slept with a random guy.
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I just texted you. I can’t remember if we exchanged numbers or if I still have the stolen in Uganda one. I’m pretty sure we did, but let me know. Oops, just realised I didn’t sign it. Je suis une nonce. Vraiment. Try not to beat yourself up too much. Like you say, it could have been worse. But I completely understand why you feel iffy about it and …love you and am here if you want to rant. xx
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PS Your mum is fantastic. Loveyou.
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And RYN: My yeast? Or yours? Do you have yeast too?! SYMPATHY!
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I got a text from you. It reads: ‘we did. and you’ and then claims to be incomplete. I think my phone is knackered. If I don’t get it by tomorrow I’ll lodge a formal complaint with you. Mwahity.
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I love platonic cuddling and sharing peoples beds. Though people won’t engage in these things enough, not anymore, unless on copious amounts of drugs. only one of my friends will sit around and cuddle me now, and this leads me me being acused of not really being gay…It’s just a cuddle what is wrong with everyone? anyway…I like you, I’ve suddenly decided you’re very cool.
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Hmm if I called up my mum and told her I’d slept with some random guy…. Me and my sister speculate that my mums inability to handle her children being human beings is what has lead to our respective problems with intamacy (I can’t sleep with boys, my sister can’t sleep with anyone). Its nice to know parents and children can have a normal human relationship!
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Thanks for the note, everything helps. =) Sounds like you’ve got some of your own though, I hope everything works out. -Alison
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I wasn’t trying to be mean to girls…but you can agree im sure that sometimes we all do things we aren’t proud of.
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Scrummy!! I adore the one with the kids – and you look so glamourous and shinky!
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Its good to know that someone else likes cuddles too. I forgot to say CIWF: compassion in world farming.
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Oh darling, I do appreciate all your wonderful notes. I apologize for not being able to shower your diary with equally exciting ones, or even as frequently, but! You have lovely pictures. May I add that you’re gorgeous? I’m sorry to hear about your lack of innocence, but perhaps your mom was right. Maybe it was just your time. Or perhaps you and this mystery male are destined to be together and
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will eventually marry one another so then akward sex will have already occured and a fantastic honeymoon will follow. I’m extremely realistic, I know. And I’m sure that you smell like something minty fresh. At least we can’t smell you, haha. xoxo
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P.S. I’ve never watched Desperate Housewives! I’m so sad and out of it, I think I’m the only one left in the world. Oh, blast. I’ll have to check this guy out.
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My first time was with a random guy under a tree outside a nightclub. I was 19, & very drunk on my cousins hens night. i never regreted it though, cause regret is a dangerous thing. We can’t change the past, we can only learn from it. 2 months later i started going our with my current partner that i have been with for 5 years and who i love dearly. My 1st time with him was my real 1st time!
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Ahhh, at least it wasn’t horrible. That is an exceedingly good thing. But dunnae worry…you can either take the forget-it-ever-happened approach or the it-happened-but… approach, and neither change the fact that you’re top notch anyway, SO. And you look like Mariella Frostrup in that last photo…i’ve been trynna work it out! It’s bootiful! Cheekbones galore, feel the jealousy ;o) xxx
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RYN – ooohhh Jamie the chef. Is it that cute Naked Chef guy? Jamie Oliver I think it is?? Thanks for getting the point… I think a lot of folks think this is about the movie, and it isn’t. It was about the myth. 🙂
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I agree with you, too. Thanks for coming by! 🙂
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Heh – I *am* married and I want him. 😉 My husband fancies himself a chef (and make no mistake – he is a great home chef) and we watch a lot of cooking shows, which is how I saw Jamie Oliver.
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i’ve always thought of dusty pink as homey. it’s down to earth and gentle, but it’s got just enough added color to show that is has warmth as well. the red tint is a shade of passion. not enough to be called fiery, but enough to make a statement. dusty pink is comfortable and lovable. in my opinion. sounds like a lovely color to be….
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First times can be awkward even if they are with the completely right person. I thought mine was at the time, the right person that is, but I know now that it wasn’t the right time OR the right person. But thats ok, life goes on and there is no use regretting the past. Where did you travel, m’dear. I am intrigued and would love to hear more about your pictures.
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Of course, I am sure that everyone who actually has read your diary (and is not just a random-pop-my-head-into-your-diary person) knows these things. But those kids in your picture are adorable, as are you, and it makes me want to know more. Much Love, Katie
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RYN: Wow, going to Uganda and traveling around like that sounds like an amazing experience. I’d like to do something like that at some point. Much Love, Katie
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ryn: I KNOW!!! that song at the end; i start bawling. and i never cry in movies. I’ll turn on the extra features, and play the video… *dies* i think i love you now. =) all around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn faces. bright and early for the daily races, going nowhere; goin nowhere…. alright, that song is stuck in my head now. 😉
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The pictures are lovely, as is the relationship you have with your mom. Ryn; Sorry your Grandmother’s as bad as mine was, and crazy besides. Why crazy? Because from the lovely pics I can tell that you are most definitely NOT fat.
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so i guess this means your back home? I haven’t been on here in ages and wish i could give ya some advice on this but I’m to far gone from this scenrio to really know
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yes,he is gorgeous. my layout is a manip/collage that a friend made for me. it’s of a diary and jake gylenhaal. i hate to crop out the big picture of him so that it looked like i wanted it to on my diary. if you go to my profile page you can see a picture of what’s left after i hacked it up. 🙁 i should never have done that. but eh.
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RYN – yes, I think I would have. 🙂
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Emily, it must be hard being so wonderful. I truly wish I was more like you – it must be amaznikgne being
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I dropped cause it just wasn’t what i was looking for and now I am back to searching for something that I’m good at that doesn’t bug me too much… maybe I can be the world first pro coffee drinker
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Oooh…I’ve had similar experiences in which you just have a temporary judgement lapse…I’m still a virgin, but I regret it all the same…sad thing was I wasn’t drunk:(…sry though I know how you must feel… RYN:I know what you mean…it sucks…and I’ve never kissed a dog like that either,but I can’t honestly say that my dogs haven’t tried kissing me that way(uck)I know where you come from
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