2021

It’s been a hell of a 6 months since my last entry.

I’ve been on an emotional journey with my mental health and only just now have the energy to acknowledge it.

Picking up from where I left off… my private counselling session did not go well and I struggled on for a number of months afterwards. It was around October when I eventually just couldn’t cope anymore. Most of the problems stemmed from my current work setup and working from home for 2 years.

The root of the problem is that I feel incredibly lonely at work… I’ve been ostracised by my colleagues and I don’t know why. I spent the majority of last year trying to forge relationships, bending over backwards, tip toeing around problems and trying to put everyone before myself. Looking back now, it was such a waste of my energy and I’m surprised I didn’t crack sooner.

My manager doesn’t really know how to handle the situation and despite her good intentions has made things worse for me. The only good thing that came out of it is that my employers were forced to refer me on for work funded counselling. This turned out to be a blessing and slowly,  I’ve been able to piece myself back together. It was incredibly telling that nearly everyone in my team knew how I was feeling, but very few reached out to me. I’ve learned a hard, but valuable lesson at the expense of my own mental health. My working life is still the same and I know it won’t ever change –  I’ve stopped looking for friends where there aren’t any to be found. I probably won’t stay where I am long-term because of this, but I need to take some time to breathe before thinking about my next steps.

2021 gave me a new found awareness of my own issues, triggers and coping mechanisms. It was a year of growth and learning to put myself first. My close friends and family have been everything during this time. Mentally, I feel the strongest I have in a very long time.  I plan to fill the next 12 months with better times with the people who matter.