What’s happened in my life since Feb 28 2008

My last entry on O.D. was about a leap year change and how we took custody of a 16 year old girl. What I don’t think I mentioned then was how against this I was. I fought it until I could fight no more without giving away my reasons. Yes, I fell to wants and please and begging of not only my husband and my four children but also that part of me that felt that I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t do “the right thing”. So yes, we took custody.

It was a HUGE mistake. Lots of problems, with school, discipline (she said we had no right to impose restrictions on her). We booked a trip to Ireland for Aug 2009. We were all excited and yes, we were taking J with us. She was thrilled, but still acted like our thoughts and opinions didn’t matter. SO she is in her senior year of HS and she wasn’t going to graduate unless she went to summer school, for of all things, Phys. Ed. While she is in summer school, I took my daughter Brittany and my son Michael took Palm Springs for the week. Back home, J turned 18, and on her 18th birthday, the crap hit the fan big time. My husband tried for hours to get in touch with her but she wouldn’t take his phone calls.. I think it was about midnight when he was able to reach her and told her to come home. She refused, said she was 18 and she didn’t have to listen to him. He told her that if she didn’t get home, then she she could pack her stuff and leave. She didn’t come home and she was thrown out the next day. All I can say, is thank goodness I was in Ca at the time and missed all the drama and that my daughter was with me and not at home to be talked into anything by J.  SO, guess who didn’t go to Ireland with us. Yes, we took the hit on the airfare. She stayed in touch with my daughter but had burned her bridges with my sons. In a round about kind of way, she was still in our lives through my daughter. By 2010, she was allowed back in the house to visit but not to stay. We. myself and her got along but not as close as we once were. I guess I just had trust issues with her. By 2012, I told her and my kids that she was no longer welcome in my house, on my property or anywhere near me. What brought that turn around from me, what brought that deep hate inside of me to totally turn my back in her is a story that has to be told by going back further back.

When I first got the notice that Open Diary was back up and running, I went back and re-read some of my entries. I stopped at July 5th 2005 ( I believe that was the date). It was a Happy Birthday to me entry. In it I shared the beautiful card/letter that my son Christopher had given me for my birthday. It was such a bittersweet, heart breaking moment to read it again. Of all my children, Christopher and I “got” each other. I heard all his problems, joys, triumphs, laughs and everything in between. He was in his first year of college when he wrote that letter and yes, I didn’t like the game of lacrosse. He graduated college and got a job as a Phys. Ed teacher in a high school near us, he also worked at a local restaurant.

On Oct 25, 2010, while driving home from his teaching (day) job and on his way to pick up his new eye glasses before going to the restaurant, Christopher was in a serious car accident. Funny thing, how you remember just about everything about the day your life turned inside out and upside down. My neighbor and I are in a book club together, we live two doors away, but we don’t really connect in any way other than book club nights. Well that day, out of the blue she called and we talked for about 45 minutes. When I hung up the phone, my first thought was that maybe I could meet Christopher at the eye glass store but before I could pick up my cell to call him my door bell rang. There was a town police man at the door and he was asking me if Christopher lived here, but I wasn’t hearing that, I kept thinking it was Michael he was talking about, but then in dawned on me that Michael was home in his room and I asked him what he was talking about and then I really heard him. He said that Christopher had been in a serious car accident and had been airlifted from the accident site to a trauma center hospital. I asked him, “are you telling me my son is dead?” and he said “not yet”.  The he pointed to my car and asked if I would be driving it to the hospital. I said yes and then without thinking (and still to this day I feel bad about this) I slammed the door in his face. Michael and I drove to the hospital but Brittany was being picked up by her friend who was a paramedic.  Why I agreed to that is because of it was the worst case then I wanted to find out first and be able to break it to her. We get to the hospital ER and I jumped out and told Michael to park the car. I was frantic at this point and there was a very long line at the on desk and I totally freaked, I needed to get to my son and I didn’t know where to go. So I kind of shouted out to anyone and everyone in the room,  “My son was airlifted and I need to get to him, where  do I go?”  Someone said I had to wait on that long line, I just looked at it in horror and then this beautiful woman who was next in line, pointed for me to go. I could have kissed her and given her the moon and starts at that moment. I was told to wait by two doors off to the right and someone would be right there. Right before the doors open, Michael got there and was with me when we were met by the hospital chaplain. I knew there was no hope and that my child was dead. But the chaplain said that he was in Xray  and she would find out more info. I called my siblings and  within a short time they were there as were my daughter her friends my husband and a whole lot of other people. The chaplain then took us to   another area and said he was in surgery and to wait there for more info. In my heart of hearts I knew my child was dead or dying. Within  a very short time, we were moved to a small room. After a few minutes a team of doctors came in the one who spoke was a short Indian doctor (I kind of freaked on him and feel bad about that too). He walked in with the rest of the team behind him and went to my brother, who then pointed to us. And then came the words no one wants to hear ever, “I am so sorry, we did all we could, but his injuries were too severe, he was without oxygen for too long, his spine was severed and”, I almost jumped down his throat and asked him if my son was brain dead, he again said he was without oxygen for too long but  wouldn’t commit to saying he was brain dead, but I had to know, I insisted, getting louder and louder. You see, in my mind, I was thinking OK, depending on where is spine was severed, it could affect on arm or leg, not necessarily all limbs, but brain dead there was no coming back from.  I need to know there was no hope at all, because if you gave me any hope I was going to run with it. He finally said, yes, he is brain dead. He then looked at all the people   that were in the room (8 or 9) and said that the family could go in to say out goodbye and then we could send in the others. I asked what would happen when we did that, were they going to pull the plugs? He responded, “you misunderstood, there are no plugs to pull, your sons heart will just stop in about an hour. So you know dang well, I did not leave his side. We just called in the rest of the family to come to the room. I brought him into this world and I sure as hell wan’t letting him go without me holding his hand. So Brittany and I took stood on both sides of him and held his hands. Brittany later told me that she had his blood on her hands and didn’t wash it off until the next day. It was all she had left of him. After begging and pleading with God to  fix him and make him Ok, reality set in and since the priest wasn’t there, I gave the last rites from whatever memory I had of them, I prayed, I railed I yelled at God and then told my precious son that it was Ok and he could go home to God and that no matter what, we were going to be Ok.. Yea, I basically lied to my dying child. After about an hour or so a nurse came in to tell me that he was gone. I wanted to die myself. There are no words to describe this level of pain. My heart was  torn apart and I could hardly breath. We stayed about an hour or so after he was gone because none of us could leave. We waited for his girlfriend to get there  to say her goodbyes as well. Even now writing this, my heart is pounding and I feel like a something is sitting on my chest. He was and always will be  forever 24.

There is more to this saga, but this post is long so I will stop here.