Dilemma *EDIT*

I am so damned ticked off. I spent over a hour writing an entry and it freakin disapeared on me. It was a good one too.

I am too tired to write the whole thing over but in a nutshell this is what it was about.

I found out (from my hubby no less, though he has NO idea that he handed me this info or ammunition, if you will) that my husband bought a gift certificate (paid cash on Dec 19) in the amount of $100.00 at Lord and Taylors. Now where did that gift cert. go? Certaintly not to me or his mother. And I doubt if he bought a gift for a co-worker as he would have TOLD me. MY educated guess, is he gave it to his g/f, that I’m not supposed to know about. This is the lastest. OK, in ll honesty, I KNOW he gave it to her. There is a gift number on the receipt and I’m wondering if I can track down who spent it. I wonder if there is a way, if i call and give the number they can tell, do you have to sign these things? I’ll have to look into that.

Now I know you’re all wondering why I stay. There are many reasons, one being my 4 children, who have over and over again stated that they didn’t want us to dovorce. they’ve seen too many friends divorce and it never really works out in the kids best interest, they all have friends who then had to move and leave there home, their security, the only life they’ve known. Hubs is not violent, he doesn’t  physically abuse, just screams and yells and wants things (everything) HIS Way. Like how I found out he bought the gift card. He couldn;t find a receipt he needed for Sears (he bought a MANS snow blower ….33 inches across and 11.5 HP), he insisted I lost it. He found it right  where HE put it, but not before he handed me a ziploc bag and a handfull of other receipts for me to look through for the sears receipt. Dumb ass, handed me the receipt for the gift card w/o even knowing it. Another reason, is money, I can not support me and the kids. Even more important, to me, as an Irish Catholic who was brought up with parents who made us read the bible and say the rosary and go to the Stations of the Cross, I made a promise before GOD and i take that promise very seriously. I may not believe in all the things the church wants me to believe in, BUT I MADE A PROMISE before God and my family. I also made a promise to my children to be there as a family, and I take that promise seriously also.

So, my dilemma, do I confront him with the receipt? I Know he will lie. But I also know he did give it to another woman AND I Know her name, her phone number and where she lives. Though I won’t tell him I know all that. What do I hope to accomplish by telling him? I’m not sure. I do want him to know that  I know. Can we have a marriage in name only? Ideally, I would llike that, he would have his freedom to go and do what he wants and I would not have to listen to his lies, listen to him tell me how much he loves me and only me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Would it work? I don’t know. Could it work? Again I don’t know.  Could we find a way to be civil to each other and live like this until our daughter goes to college in a little over 4 years? I don’t know. BUT, it will give me a chance to set some money aside, get a job and start looking to a future that I own, that is mine, where I can choose or not choose to be with someone. Right now, I feel I need to honor my committment to my children and yes live up to the promise I made to them and to God.

But how do I go about bringing this up calmly and rationally? Can it be done? Or should I just let it go? That option feels very wrong for me as i am so angry and mad and he sees how quiet i’ve been getting and wants to know what is wrong. I can’t lie well and pretty much what I feel is right there for the world to see. When he touches me or wants to hug  me .etc. it makes my skin crawl. All I can think of his he being with her. Yes, he has admitted to being with her, but says it was over a while ago. I CAN prove differently, he was seen with her. Am I afraid of getting a disease? Hell yes, and his concession ( a yr ago when he said he wanted to "try" an open marriage) is to use a condom. Mu hubs HATES them and for us there was never a need for it since I had a hysterectomy over 10 yrs ago. SO the fact that he was willing to and DOES still use it, says a lot.

I don’t really want a divorce, not right now anyway, because I  have heard how hard it is on my nieces and SIL (still is my SIL(regaradless of what my dumb ass hubs brother did). Life is hard enough right now, with me trying to get a job as it is. I want to be able to put money aside and be financially independent. and that’s another thing, he feels liek his brothers wife made out so well, because she wasn’t making alot of money and he is pushing HARD for me to take any job and to work fulltime instead of part time like I was before. yes, we have had some major expenses in the last 6 months, new AC unit, new furnance and now a new water heater, but he now wants me to take anything, even though I have become certified in coding and billing, but haven’t been able to get a job just yet. So there is pressure all around me.

It kills me to let him THINK he is getting over on me. And that is why I’m not sure what to do. WIll I be cutting off my nose to spite my face, just to let him know that I KNOW he’s a lier and a cheat?

Any thought? Comments?  Advice? Stories? Pros Cons, I’ve missed?

Feel free………………………………………………….

                                                                            *****     EDIT *****

I’ve read and HEARD the comments so far and I truly appreciate them. sometimes a step back and getting a diferent point of view helps.

Yes, I do have a plan, and I thought it would be something I could love with until our daughter goes off to college. No the children DO NOT know about his affairs as I have always kept it away from them. When I need to blow up at him, I take it outside, we go to a nearby park and I walk as I talk (OK, rant). So they are clueless in that respect. As far as they know, he is just a loud person who blows up and then quickly forgets the problem. My children know that their uncle and aunt got divorced and that he has a g/f, they don’t have much respect for him and thinks he was wrong and should have worked on his marraige. They do feel that IF he was cheated BEFORE they got divorced, then according to them. "that is just messed up and he’s slime,"

We could not afford to sell this house and then get 2 other places. We def would not be able to stay in this town. And I will not, can not move my kids out of the safe environement. My daughter is just now coming out of her shell and I can’t and won’t destroy her sense of safety and her trust. That being said, I am having a hard time "pretending" to him that all is well. I DO NOT want him touching me in any way, so I have to tell him why. I believehe will want a divorce then, and that would be OK, cause it would be HIS decision. I would like to just exist together as we are, but with a open understanding that the marriage is over and when she graduates, we go oour separate way. This to me seems like a win-win for me. We stay in our h ome, I have time to get a job and save and so does he, he also gets to see his g/f with no pressure form me and no lies which infuriate me to no end. I prefer the straight truth, no matter what…

As far as getting testing, I have been and will continue to be tested. I DO NOT trust him. And whenever we do , he HAS to wear a condom, no exception, ever. So in that respect I am proteceting my health.