Anger Issues

I haven’t written in a while because I can’t quite still my mind body and soul long enough to hear what I need to hear. To still the voices and find out what it is I should be doing. Staying stagnant isn’t working, but fear and anger, yes I do believe it is repressed anger, are holding me back.

Have things gotten better? Oh hell no. He isn’t changing his ways and in fact is getting more careless and reckless as time goes on. His anger is beginning to get out of control as well. He is mad and angry ALL the time and there is no such thing as a conversation with him. I dread coming home and find reasons to stay at work as late as I can. Then I come home, cook and then retreat to my room as soon as I can. Any conversation involves him yelling about what a disaapointment ALL the kids are, how they are sucking him dry financially and how inconciderate they are and how the puppy poops and pees on the floor. Enought already. If a piece of paper is on the floor and you see it, picj the damn thing up and throw it out. It doesn’t have to become a half hour yelling match about who actually dropped it, or in his mind put it there on purpose instead of throwing it out. ENOUGH!!!

He has still been involved with the 24 year old woman in IL, not physically, but I found information recently that in his words, he has sent her "thousands" of dollars to help her out with bills,  food, and gifts, etc, Yet yells that we never have enought money and our kids aren’t paying us back the money they owe us.  He has in emails professed his undying and never ending love for her, yet she treats him like crap and is not even nice when she gets the money or gifts. And YES, I DID crack his password for a while so I did read a lot of shit.l  I also found out that a woman started in his company in Aug and by November they were in bed together.  Pictures were sent to me showing him at a Marriott on a certain date in the afternoon when he was supposed to be at work.. The pictures show him in his car, parked next to her car (I had a friend run the plates to verify the info that came with the photos) and a picture of him walking towards the Marriott. It also show surrounding area including the company flag that shows the place as well. Of course he denied it…the fool. Yet wrote to her and told her he denied it. They met again at a different place…The Days Inn, this time on Jan 11 of this year. I know because I called him at work all afternoon, the kids called him and he wasn’t around. SO I called the main switchboard and asked to speak to someone in the department and pretended to have been directed there in error and asked for hubby, and was told he took a half day. I waited a  while and did the same thing with her, to find out she also took a half day. I made some calls and found that she had checked into the Days Inn and then this weekend I went to said hotel, told the young guy at the desk I needed a copy of the receipt for work, gave her name and the day I was there, and presto, proof positive in my hot little hands.. Now mind you, I never said anything as far as knowing about this woman JoAnn yet. Was never sure how and when to bring it up. So this was my ace in t he hole so to speak., The funny thing is after I received the pictures in the mail in Dec, I decided to figure out his password, it took a while (days) but finally I was in, but then I couldn’t remeber what combo I had used, so I just stayed on for a while. And yes, I copied the emails that proved his affairs, and sent them to my work email.. Someone recently sent his precious little Julie some emails….not sure what was in them, but they upset her, and she broke off all contact with him. Of course he assumed I wrote them and checking my computer while I was out and found some innocent emails from him to her on my computer, so he got mad and ordered a laptop for himself that has finger print identifcation so no one can use it.  He later accused me (this past weekend) of sending the emails to Julie, which shocked me so  I retaliated with what I knew about Joann. Lots of yelling and stuff and I told him I have within the last couple of months come to the realization that there is nothing in this marriage for me to stay. He got upset and said there is. As far as I’m concerned he went over the line with the work affair. He brought it too close to home. ANd most counselors will tell you if there is an office affair and you are trying to make the marriage work, one of the parties in the affiar has to leave the company, otherwise the temptation is still there, And he can’t leave and expect to make the kind of money he’s making elsewhere. I also heard that  our oldest son had seen some emails and other things and knows about his father affair and confronted him, but hubby lied to his face.  SO I brought that up as well, told him he has lost more than he can imagine and that I hope is affairs were worth the cost of his families love and respect. What I didn’t tell him is that ALL of the kids have come to me recently come to  me and said that I should divorce him even if it means our life style changes (and it will drastically).  For some reason, this weekend he decided to check on sons computer and saw that he had some emails (which I didn’t know he had) and now thinks that I am in cahoots with our son against him….

I think in order ot be able to CLEARLY make a decison I need to address the anger I have deep inside me. I need to find a way to forgive and let it go before I can move on. I received th following in an email and it struck a chord within me:

"When you haven’t forgiven those who’ve hurt you, you
turn your back against your future. When you do
forgive, you start walking forward."

Dear Reader,

About a year and a half ago, I shared some thoughts in
my blog about forgiving people who have hurt us.  I
believe that working at forgiving people who have hurt
us is essential to experiencing the freedom, love, and
overall quality of life that all of us desire.

A few days ago, I was flipping through an Oprah magazine that my wife borrowed from our public library when I came across a short piece by a playwright and actor named Tyler Perry.

It’s about how Tyler turned his whole life around by finding a way to overcome fury that burned in him from the time that he was a young child.

It’s short and powerful.

If you have intense anger in your heart for someone who hurt you recently or long ago, I encourage you to read Tyler’s thoughts here:

The End Of The Fury

I can’t get over how powerful his last statement is:
When you haven’t forgiven those who’ve hurt you, you turn your back against your future. When you do forgive, you start walking forward.
I understand and agree with the idea that forgiving others is more about your peace of mind then it is about their feelings. You don’t have to make it known to the people who hurt you that you have forgiven them. The issue is learning how to transcend the hurt, how to get to a place in your heart and mind where the hurt is no longer holding you back from fully caring for others and allowing yourself to be cared for by others.

Is it possible to truly forgive all transgressions?

How doyou forgive someone who physically abused you when you were a child?

How do you forgive someone who raped you or a family member?

How do you forgive someone who spread vicious and humiliating lies about you?

How do you forgive parents who put their own needs and egos way ahead of your basic emotional needs as a child?

How do you forgive a parent who left you when you were young?

How do you forgive someone who has sucked the joy out of your life through his or her negative, hypocritical, phony, lazy, selfish, and ill-tempered behavior over 30 years of marriage?

I really don’t have a clue how you can truly forgive others for any of the above. Maybe complete forgiveness is impossible in some cases. Maybe, sometimes, the hurt is so bad that the quality of your health and life will suffer for the rest of your life because you will always harbor some anger for the people who hurt you.

If you are determined to find a way to free yourself of the burden of chronic anger, no matter how badly you have been hurt, there is one powerful and effective exercise that I can recommend.

It’s to sit or lie in a quiet place and imagine your tormentors as they were when they were babies or young children. Visualize these people one at a time, and really take time to feel the realities of their lives as toddlers.

Babies are not born with a distinct desire to hurt others physically or emotionally. They are born craving love and protection. Visualize what your tormentors were like when they did nothing but crave love and protection.

If you work at realizing how pure and innocent your tormentors once were, you may come to a point where it becomes clear that their hurtful acts as older children or adults stem from their own wounds, from their own emotional memories of being hurt and/or neglected.

If you know of another effective way of bringing yourself to forgive people who have hurt you badly, I would really appreciate you sharing in the comments section below. Your thoughts on this topic may eventually make a significant difference in another person’s life.

Thank you.

So this article started me to thinking about the anger that is festering inside of me. And that;s where I got the notion that the anger is hoiding me back and I should address it.

I also found on line a site called radicalforgiveness.com that i have been on and hopefully will have more time to spend looking through it. I am also taking country line dancing with 4 other woman (on my block) and having fun with that).

And yes, hubby also handed me an email he had written to me back in April of last year titles "If you could see inside of me", I haven;t read it all yet, because I’m feeling it’s all full of bullshit lines that he wants me to believe or that  he had convinced himself that are real. I doubt he know what is real anymore.

My friend who is a lawyer in another state had made me see that the things I fear may or may not be true and has encouraged me to look into paying a lawyer to at least sit down and talk to me about what I can expect if I do decide to divorce him. The at least I will be dealing with facts, not fears that nay or may not be real or true.

Meanwhile he sits in his insulated little world of the internet surrounded by people who tell him he is right and I am the bad guy.

ANd you know what gets to me the most? I’ve read how some of these woman "friends" of his, who k now about his affair with the 24 yr old (this makes me sick as we have a son who is almost 22) and they hink it’s OK (and justified) and rip me to shreds.   Why don’t woman stick up for each other? Why do we turn on each other and believe the lies and bullshit that men tell us about the women in their lives? I know that when I used to go into chat rooms and some guy started ragging about his wife and his life, I always stuck up for the wife or tried to find out what his swife was doing right at least, and tried to show him that his reaction or thouhts may not have been the right ones……

 

WHen will we have each others backs????? I tell you, if y ou could read some of the shit his friends have written about me youd be amazed. But this is long enough……

 

After I looked the woman at work up on the internet, I also found out where her husband works and there is a very  VERY big part of me that wants to let him know what is going on between his wife and my husband, especially after seeing where she wrote that both and I need to stay in our marriages for money purposes (she makes more money then he does and hubby makes way more than I do).