Forks in the road…

It is often hard to imagine how some actions, small as they seem at the time, can have such overwhelming influence on the path your life will take. Chances are that this is the case many times throughout of lives but we rarely give them a second thought or even realize the significance of each. Perhaps that is why on those rare moments when fate chooses to proved you with a moment of clarity, that you come to appreciate the the complexity of your life.

Facebook is a wonderful thing. In the last year, I have come in contact with many friends who over time have drifted away. One in particular was quite unexpected. On a whim, I searched for an old girl friend, M,  from high school. I always considered her the one that got away. When I broke things off, in the back of my mind I always thought we’d get back together. Little did I imagine that her old boyfriend would move in so quickly and the reprocusions of it would be so dramatic. She got pregnant.

M and I didn’t go to the same school but lived fairly close to each other. I cannot remember now how I found out. Did she tell me when I called her one day the following semester or was it a friend who first shared the news. To this day, I only remember the shock and the anger. First the anger was directed toward the boyfriend but later turned back on myself. I recall blaming myself that if we had stayed together, none of that would have happened. If it wasn’t a reality when I heard, it certainly was a few months later. A mutual friend who went to her school asked me to a dance there. We had a great night. Despite my efforts, it was her treat. we had a blast… until I want into M. A this point she was showing and her boyfriend hovered close. He already disliked me as he saw me as someone who had tried to take M away from him. I honestly didn’t even know he existed and at the time we dated, they had been separated for months. But that night it hit home. While I continued to have fun that night, there was a sadness hidden deep inside.

Time passed, I graduated, and went away for college. I was always one to embrace new adventures and had all but forgotten about M. I went out, had girlfriends, was involved in various activities, and kept moving forward. 4 years later I graduated then after a short break had to attend a minitary school for 5 months (be careful who you let pay for college) and returned home. One night I was out and happened to drive past where M’s parents lived. I was flooded with memories. All the old feels hit me in a rush. I went home and looked them up in the phone book. Yup, they were still there. That night I wrote a short letter to M to include my phone number, and went back out to leave that letter in her parents’ mailbox. I wasn’t exactly sure why I did it. I really didn’t expect to hear from M. Who knows, her parents might not even give it to her. I had no idea. Looking back, I think it was to give me some form of closure.

To my surprise M called within a few days. She had 3 kids now, had married, then divorced her old boyfriend. We saw each other a few times which was really nice. I discovered she was having some financial issues and even helped her out a bit (I had a good job and really few expenses at the time). I honestly thought hard about dating her again. The thought of her having kids really didn’t phase me which I have to admit surprised me. But it wasn’t meant to be. I always prided myself on being able to read others but the last few times I was with her, I didn’t feel the same, loving vibes I did when we first got back together. I believe she cared for me but right or wrong, I interpreted her actions as wanting us to just stay as friends. I didn’t push it and the visits became fewer and farther between. The last time I saw her was to go out with her and her work friends. I did but quickly felt like a 5th wheel. I learned she was seeing someone at the time and at that point, resigned myself to the fact that it was over.

That was 18 years ago.

So now I found her again and we’ve chatted some via facebook. One day we were talking and she said a few things which floored me. The first was that she had come to my wedding. I never even saw her there but that is understandable because she told me then that she stayed in the back and left right before the ceremony ended. I didn’t ask her why but it did make me wonder if perhaps I was wrong about her feelings make that. That though was water under the bridge. It was what she said later that threw me. we were joking about something and I responded by saying how I could I refuse her. She said I did once and when I asked, she said that back in high school, she wanted to get more physical and it was me who hit the breaks (and later why we broke up). Wow! I honestly have no recollection of that. I’d love to jump into her head and replay whatever conversation she remembered. I am still stunned about this almost two weeks later.

Had I really done that? Was that what truly happened? More importantly, what if I hadn’t done that and we had gotten sexual. What that baby have been mine? College would likely not have happened. I seriously doubt I’ve have the career or life I do now. I have trouble imagining my older daughter is 10 let alone 25 which is what’s M’s oldest child is today. I staggers my imagination to wonder how something that happened 26 years ago had such a profound effect on my future. The weirdest thing is that somewhere in the back of my head, I wonder if I made the right choice.