i dont understand

its like u say things, promise things, that u think make u a gd boyfriend, and then u cant quite follow thru. y do u suggest things if u dnt want to do them? i kno u think im stupid but those little things make me so happy, all day today i looked forward to seeing u and now im not allowed to. no explanation. theres never an explanation. i want to understand. but u wont let me. im not allowed to ask, we’re not allowed to talk about it. i just want to understand y u do these things. it hurts me when u promise things then let me down and i kno it seems like little things, i kno it doesnt matter to u, its not important whether we see each other for an hour and a half now or after tea, but u promised me u’d see me when i came home, i looked forward to that, why did u suggest it? why do u do it? why suggest we should go for a meal and then pretend u never did, and make it quite obvious u dnt want to go. it made me so happy when u agreed to go out for a meal with me, i didnt think u’d say yes and when i tell u that u dnt understand, but it feels like u never say yes any more. u wont sleep in the same bed as me any more, you wont tell me why, u honestly seem to believe that nothing has changed, even tho u used to tell me how amazing it would be for us to fall asleep together every night. u say u trust me and i kno u dnt. and i kno its my fault. and i hate myself. and im so fucking tired of hating myself. u get so drunk u cant walk me home urself and ur friend has to do it, and that turns into me fucking ur friend, and u say u trust me, i kno ur only joking but its so not funny, and i kno that deep down somewhere u really do feel like that. i say ben’s coming to visit me, u say maybe he should sleep in ur room, if u cant trust me with ben u obviously dnt trust me with anything! and then what? the last three years of u saying u trust me? whats that? how can u say those things and not mean it. i love u so much and for me love means i want to be with u all of the time. i kno love means different things to different ppl but its hard for me to accept that u dnt feel that way too. its hard for me to understand. maybe if u opened up but u wont. u wont tell me y u feel like that. u say u need space, after 3 years, where did that come from? fine, u need space, but u didnt for the last 3 years? whats happening? u cant stay over because u ‘need space’. u need space on our anniversary? u wouldnt stay over then, u said u would and even tho i waited up an extra hour and a half and i was exhausted and needed to go to bed and i felt ill and id had a crap night, u then refused to stay over. and said u never promised. and i cant argue because its in front of all your friends and ur acting like im being stupid. like u always do. its never u, its always me being stupid, getting upset over nothing, me causing the fight, i dont want to fight, im so tired of this, i just want to be with u and u wont let me. when im ill and i dnt want to be on my own, when ur ill and i want to look after u, all the times uve promised, i just want to be with u. y wont u let me? what have i done to make it like this? what have i done wrong? i just want to spend time with u, i just want u here to make everything alright, i want u to hold me and never let me go, like u used to, the way u did when we never thought we’d be together again, when i thought i’d never get u bak. i just want u, just look after me, please, i need u so much