guilt

i’m tired of feeling guilty

i feel like ive felt guilty my whole life

i used to think it was all the alcohol, so i havent drunk for about 2 years, probably more

but it cant just be that, it must be something about me, so now i drink, to prove that i can be trusted even when im intoxicated

i dnt kno

i want to write uncensored but the truth is i dnt kno what to say

the truth is i dnt want tom to read this

and i dnt kno why

what am i afraid he might find out?

he thinks i fancy andy

do i? no, the truth is i dnt look at other guys like that any more, not now i have tom

if i wasnt with tom i probably would fancy him

thats a change, that must be progress right? things used to be different

before

with mat. i fancied mat

so is this a sign that ive changed?

or is it just that ive relabelled the feelings to alleviate the guilt

i just want attention, thats what its all about with me, i spent so much of my life never getting noticed, and now my bf doesnt seem to have time for me

that was always the crucial factor, interest

with james, with mat, nothing would’ve happened if they hadnt shown an interest

not to say that i was an innocent party, but it wasnt like i jumped on anyone

they showed an interest and i responded

like when mat and i kissed, it was more like he kissed me, and i let him

like when andy held my hand when we danced, i let him

there r similarities and i dnt like it, i like andy cuz he pays attention to me, its not that i fancy him, its that he pays me attention

and i cant stop telling myself ive done nothing wrong

like with mat, when i told myself all the reasons why nothing would ever happen between us

and it still did

god i dnt kno

im scaring the hell out of myself

i just want to be trusted

i dnt want this to be all our relationship is, but it is, this is what its all about, i fuck up and he forgives me, thats what its all based on

i just wish he could trust me

i read in one of my poems i wrote ages ago ‘am i doubting your trust or my ability to be trusted?’

it still applies, is it that i dnt think he trusts me? or that i dnt think he should?

i just wish i could change everything

i wish i was thinner, prettier, fitter, less shy, just … better

i wish i could change myself into a completely different person

maybe then i could be happy

the truth is that when he’s had enough he can just walk away

and i will never do that, no matter how badly he treats me, i will always stay because the thought of losing him is so painful, i kno i couldnt cope, hes said it to me before, that we should break up, and then afterwards changed his mind, and i think in a way it was just a kind of test, but i could never do that, what if he agreed? what if he thought that actually not being with me would suit him better? what if i was left on my own? i couldnt bear it

everyone else seems to have so much more fun than me

i just seem to feel so miserable atm

i dnt kno how to make things better

im so lonely

the truth is that without him i have noone

just a few of his friends that ive borrowed, that im currently sharing, that, if it came down to it, would go to him not me

he leant me a water bottle to go to my lectures with a few weeks ago, i wrote ‘i love tom’ on it in the lecture then gave it bak to him, its in my room now, he left it here, hes ripped the bit with my message on off the bottle (it was on the label), i asked him about it and he denied it, said he had a few of the bottles and it must be a different one i have in my room. you can see the pen marks on it around the bit thats been ripped off

oh well, not as bad as cheating on someone is it?

it doesnt really matter if he hurts me cuz whatever he does will never be as bad as what i did

i buy him lil presents sometimes

partly because i think it’ll make him happy

partly because i wish he’d do the same for me

he doesnt

its not major things, its just

i dnt kno

im scared to say that it could be better

because i might end up with nothing

i just dnt kno, im not even crying any more, i feel numb

i feel sick