fed up…again…

i’m so bored

is it just the boredom?

i’m so tired of never feeling fully satisfied

there’s so much i want to do, so much i want to change, self-improvement, and i’m just the same person, my life’s exactly the same, i can’t make any difference

i’m so tired

i’m so fed up

worse thing is i’m fed up with my boyfriend and he doesnt even notice

he was ill, i asked what i could do, i walked to asda on my own and bought him medicine and food, i could hardly carry the bags on my own, when i get there he’s talking about going to borrow lemsip off his friend, why did i have to go get him medicine?? he doesnt even eat any of the food, when i first heard he was ill i bought him cough sweets, his response? oh, i’ve already eaten a packet oh these today…oh, these are a crap flavour

thnx?

i catch it, i dnt feel awful but i felt pretty shit on saturday, had to hint to him that maybe there was something he could do and he eventually offers to go to asda to buy me nurofen, later i spk to him again and get ‘well i thought u wanted to go into town? if ur well enough to go into town them why dont u just buy them there?’

thnx tom

i need them to make me well enough to go into town

but never mind, i survived

thnx for the help

thnx for the fucking sympathy, i say im ill, u say ‘yeh me too’

i asked him to come round yesterday and he couldnt straight away cuz he was ‘working’, even though i felt ill

in the evening he couldnt see me straight away cuz he was playing pro evo

i went round later – even tho when he was ill i had to visit him all the time so he didnt have to go out in the cold – and he puts fucking match of the day on

i even told him before i went that i wouldnt come if he was gonna watch that

i went home

to sit in front of my computer again, feeling lonely

the problem is, im fed up with tom but there’s noone else i can hang out with, his friends r my friends so i cant hang out with them without hanging out with him

basically i see him or im on my own

im fed up with being on my own

im tired of staying in all the time, whats wrong with ppl?? i spend st patricks day in bloody wetherspoons!

the highlight of my week was going to red leicester with matt, ellie, mike and andy

and then i got told off for dancing with andy

fucks sake

i just cant handle this

im actually going crazy

i cant cope with doing nothing all the time

i cant cope with spending all this time on my own

i want to go home, but again, my friends r tom’s friends, same deal as here

i dunno, im just so fed up

im fed up with what ppl think of me, tom asked me about me dancing with andy on thursday and ive been thinking about it since then

i dnt think i did anything wrong

why does everyone else?

‘matt and mike said they’d be annoyed if it was their girlfriend’

matt and mike can fuck off

matt and mike enjoy winding u up

i dnt understand

tom doesnt seem annoyed with andy, but its like hes been off with me ever since

am i imagining it?

is it just that i feel guilty myself? why? i didnt do anything wrong and i really do believe that

all my friends think im a slut

and i play up to it

why do i do that?

and i wind tom up about me being with other guys too, especially andy

i dnt kno why i do that

i think maybe its because i want to see how he reacts, i want to kno that he really trusts me

i understand that theres a line and i want him to kno i would never cross it

sometimes it feels like to do that i have to go very close to the line

oh i dnt kno, i dnt kno what im saying, i dnt even kno what ive written

fuck it all, i give up