down

I’ve been feeling down recently. For the last few weeks, or maybe months – I’m not sure, kind of feels like forever. I don’t really have the energy or inclination to do anything, and I’m not sure what to do to make it better.

I feel like something is kind of missing, and I can’t seem to work out what it is. Work is strange because I love the work and I love the people, but I’m tired of being just a temp. I just want to be made permanent, but I’m not sure it’ll ever happen. I don’t know any other temps who’ve been there as long as me who haven’t either left or been made permanent. I’ve been there nearly seven months now, so what exactly am I doing wrong? The woman I’m training up is useless and I feel like I have to spend all my working day auditing her work and helping her do what should be her job. She’s been there 3 months now and still makes mistakes, which means she’s still on 100% audit, which takes up about 2 hours a day for me. It’s fairly soul-destroying. It’s so frustrating because they all see how hard I work and I’m damn good at my job. I was recently told that I’m working at 140% efficiency – that’s how good I am, for all the good it does me! I am at least getting some more training now, and I am learning more, but it does mean I barely have enough time to do everything, what with having to babysit my trainee. Also, another woman has been moved onto our team and she reminds me of Emma from my old job. She’s not as bad, but I’d rather not see the association and she seems to bring out the worst in me. I was delighted today to see that her work that was being audited was ‘a disaster’. It makes me think of my old work a lot, which is depressing, especially as I seem to be little more appreciated here.

It’s also a money thing – I need to be earning more money, and I have no chance of that if I remain just a temp. I make so little money, it seems to be becoming more of a struggle. I have to take money out of my savings every month to keep up with bills, and I work full time so how does that work?

I want a new car, but can’t even begin to afford it. I need new trainers, but can’t afford them either. Had to fork out for new hair straighteners as my GHDs broke. Life is generally too expensive.

I don’t know, I feel like I struggle to commit to things. I look forward to the weekend because it means I’m not at work, and more and more it seems I look forward to it as a chance to do nothing. And then I feel like I’ve wasted the weekend by doing nothing. I lost a lot of weight, but I’m putting it all back on because I can’t be bothered to eat healthily, so I eat awfully and feel awful about my body. I can’t be bothered to do my course, to read, to sew, to exercise, to cook. Everything just seems like a struggle at the moment and I’m not sure how to make it better.

Well, dinner’s ready so I should go. What a depressing entry : )