the perfect storm.

oh…!

i came back here to check up on aglow and had forgotten that in the quiet of months past, my ghost had reached out sent a message to you all…my stomach twisted into knots when i read the replies on that post…

thank you all for still being here, after all this time. after blogger and livejournal into the facebook, myspace and twitter of today, each of you know what it was like to be up on opendiary at 3am on your parent’s computer, a young adolescent or teenager, spilling your heart out to a technology that was so new we didn’t even know it was cool.

…and man, it feels SO GOOD to be using oldschool html coding! 😀

now, as to an update. how can I ever abbreviate the activities of the last half a dozen years in which I fell off from deeply loving this art…

i’m in a time of serious upheval right now, of redefinition and choices between repetitive, copacetic motion and disquieted awareness.

it’s like ricky fitts in american beauty says, as he is explaining his film of the bag in the wind to jane: “sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world I feel like i can’t take it, like my heart’s going to cave in.”

i always thought that a heightened awareness of all the goodness and beauty around you would automatically result in joy. and it would, perhaps, if we didn’t live in a world of yin and yang…good and bad…black and white, things that define each other and cause each other to be known. By knowing one, you also know the other.

or, you could choose to just NOT know and remain ignorant. put the routine back up and live as if you cannot see.

something came upon my husband recently that has changed the way we look at everything. i can’t presume to ever fully understand this but i need to reflect on it. he read some short stories by a co-worker of his which brought memories exploding behind his eyes that felt like they were his own but that had never happened. memories of a boy raped at a party. an old man. a girl. memories from people he is not. the stream did not stop at a vivid sense of presence in the stories, but continued to unlock many others that he was overwhelmed by and unsure of their origin. it was bizarre and terrifying and being made into “one flesh” as i believed romantically that we were in passing through our wedding ceremony, i now believe physically because of the way my own nerves channeled his energiy. immediately i felt the difference, i felt a space open wide between us, and saw him turn to see things that i could not, and that i was powerless to approach on my own.

he has always been an old soul. so very aware of himself and remarkably in possession of this. it’s still ironic to me that he’s going through a sort of “finding himself” phase, one that relates more toward his smallness in the face of the universe than girding his loins to go kick some ass, and yet he’s always known who he was…

what will you find…?

i feel small observing all of this happening around me. i knew this from the beginning, that the best person to love was not one who loves YOU first and foremost, but EVERYONE first and foremost. this makes for a stronger, more stable exploration of the extents of true love, but causes difficulty when you pull inside yourself and just want to be distinct. silk spectre II and dr. manhattan…the narrator and tyler durden…

and i am really ready for sleep. this 23-year-old body doesn’t seem to handle late nights as well as the 17-year-old one did…

more soon.
all my love + let’s be free