sanctus

what other conclusions are to be drawn? we’re fabulous at dematerializing, yet summoning wrath at will, pulling phantoms out from left field and pressing them into each other’s ribcages to see who ends up on the ground first.

i need you to know that i don’t know anything you know about me because there’s no possible way you could know what you don’t need to know.

…and that’s perhaps everything.

there’s a list of rules. everywhere. guidelines, taboos…and i’m not accustomed to this fruit…self control…where has this sudden power come from to restrain…?

i believe everything is moving, actually, rather swiftly backwards as i’m growing up, like roots shooting into the soil as the sapling breaks the surface. without backward roots, i’d have nothing to anchor me as i moved toward the sky…

i wish i had something really conclusive to say. today was a day that hit a lot of needs, but i’m wondering if i should just be all together less concerned with myself…

stuff is going to decompose to ash and have to be rebuilt upon in a very short time. i feel like i’m calmly waiting at the edge of a wide desert, yet i have no right to consider being afraid. i still don’t know what i’m doing, but i don’t think that necessarily makes me wrong, and i’m open to revision.

but i don’t know how to move. i wish i did…i need His help because i’m moving past some of the elementary, desperate ways i used to use Him to make decisions and now i’m a little disoriented…

but the gauges are leveling off to something like “normal” and i can usually diagnose, now, what’ll ease my mind.

…and while nothing’s wrong with taking care of myself, the ease of my mind should not be what is driving me through this life.

i know growing up in front of the television or in the corners reading a book, life hasn’t really had an ample opportunity to teach us this but…oftentimes, things are just…

hard.

and i’m more exhausted trying to avoid that than i would be actually dealing with it.

desert or oaisis. doesn’t make a difference, now. God’s still with me, and i’ll get through either.

…to kingdom come.