“all that is left to one who grieves…

…is convalescence. no change of heart or spiritual
conversion, for the heart has changed
and the soul has been converted
to a thing that sees
how much it costs to lose a friend it loved.
=the epic of gilgamesh.=

i’ve lost contact with a lot of things. a lot of my life has been bulldozed by…ah, i don’t know. me, others…it’s impossible to trace where the blame should finally fall. but luckily, that’s never the end that needs to be achieved. the art of gracefully shedding what you once were to become what you are is quite hard to master when you say no blame is necessary. to just accept everything as it is, no explanation…no resolution…but letting the simple reality unfold.

this diary has been a part of me in some shape, form, or adjective-ridden name since i was…goodness, about fourteen i believe. writing has floated around me in this sporadic aura since i was a wee middleschooled jenn. and to think that i feel i can never persevere with any one thing…

i’ve been hitting hard on a lot of personal mores, lately. some of the ethics of privacy that we all just neglect so we can connect to someone…maybe there’s some exhibitionism, some voyeurism to all of this…watching other people as you know they’re watching you…but with the haven of cyber-anonymity and for those we know in meatspace…simply a backspace key. how many times this has been a precise political dance i don’t even know. i never had much respect for the reservation of my own life and i’ve drug a lot of things over the coals through the years that may have been quite unnecesary.

i’m at a point, now, where my mind is more full of ideas than it ever has been in my life, but my skill has waned and i’ve realized that my art is low. and low art can cause a lot of damage, so i’m still working into my new understanding of how to deal with it all.

if i keep an opendiary, it will be moved to where only this cyber-anonymity exists or it will be private. i want to apologize to those of you i know in meatspace for butting into your lives and reading your work long after any part of it was really applicable to me. also, i apologize for the inability i’ve had to let go of certain people and circumstances that have lead me to keep masochistic sort of tabs on them. it has been hard hearing and reading so many of the stories that i could do nothing to intrinsically help or change…

i am settling into the niche where i would like to spend the rest of my life, now. i have no wilder ambitions than to build on these foundations and, God willing, i will. i have found a new sort of confidence in the sovereignty of my God and it is so easy to rest for now in the many things He has provided…the comfort of my parent’s home, a healthy financial nest egg, the awesome teaching of my church, and the integrity of this boy he has given me. these things are far beyond what i ever knew i needed to find.

i don’t know what i’m going to do next. but if you’d like to follow me if i go, leave me a note.

thank you for all the many memories, here. everyone here has their place in my life and it has greatly affected who i am, now. i hope to see most of you around. God bless.