Wedding Thoughts

I’m going to my cousin’s wedding this weekend.  Naturally (for me, anyway) I’m a bit apprehensive.  I get nervous in new social situations.  I become self-conscious, thinking people are looking at me thinking derogatory thoughts about me.  I look around and wonder why everyone is looking at me.  Do they think I’m fat?  Do they think I’m poorly dressed?  Do they think I’m a lisping, simpering fairy?  Do they wonder why I was invited, or worse, why I thought I belonged there?

I realize that these are really my thoughts about myself.  Most of the time people probably don’t care what I’m wearing or why I’m there, and if they do that makes them really shallow and not worth worrying about.  So this is how I see myself.  This is my lack of self-esteem talking. 

Why am I like this?  Or, more importantly, why can’t I overcome this way of thinking?  So who really cares why I feel this way – why can’t I change it?  I’ve been aware of these problems for a long time, but they don’t get better.  I don’t want to get a therapist.  I can’t afford it, and I can’t believe I need it.  I guess I’m depressed, but I don’t want to believe that, either.  Other people get depressed.  I’m smarter than that.