Ramblin’ Rose

So I know it’s bad now. It’s 10:00pm on Saturday, and I have not had a shower today. I went through a phase several hours ago where I was overcome by my odor and almost showered, but I got through it somehow, and now I just don’t see the point. I’m really worried about myself at this point. Once again I find myself having no idea why my life has come to a halt, and I have no idea what to do about it.

I’m clearly depressed. I have wonderful symptoms – I’ve been here before. Isn’t this ironic? I work at a mental health clinic, and I can’t bring myself to get some professional help. ARGH! This is so funked up!

Okay. Get serious for a moment. Let’s list the contributing factors:

1. Body image. This is a big one. I’m just not happy being this overweight, and I’m unmotivated by the knowledge of how hard it is to correct it.

2. MER has moved to Denver. I’m pretty lonely, and it sucks. I hate good-byes, so we didn’t even do anything special before she left. EWP thinks I’m grieving. Maybe she’s right.

3. I’m sick of my job. At least I have a plan with this one. I’m leaving at the end of May. So that’s a good thing, but it contributes to number 4….

4. Money worries. How am I going to pay my bills after May?

5. I’m moving back to Michigan. Is this the right move? I made a decision, but I’m second-guessing myself. It’s because of the financial risk, for one, and because moving back represents some sort of failure to me. The financial risk is real, but the failure issues are a recurring theme.

6. What if I can’t get into grad school? What then?

So there’s a big fear of the unknown at work here, as well as some long-standing problems that have never been resolved to any satisfaction. But what do I do? How do I get myself to a place where I can motivate and act?

This is the reason I have been given this life. My mission is to find out how to change my life. Wish me luck.