Courage

RIght now I am controlled by fear.  I’m downright afraid of a number of things surrounding the trek toward priesthood.  Here’s a list:

• Surviving seminary
• Condemnation based on my sexual orientation
• My track record of doing half-assed work
• Weak spiritual life
• Low tolerance for those with different political agendas
• Toxic parishioners
• No jobs in a denomination in a downward spiral
• Social isolation
• Partner prospects as a cleric

So that’s enough for a start.  I suspect that if I move forward in the ordination process, some of these fears will not be removed.  The first one, for example.  Some uncertainty, if I believe anything I preached this morning, is right and good.  Some is normal.  But some of these have to be dealt with before I can ask to move forward with any integrity; the third one, for example.  I probably should make a list of perceived rewards of priesthood, just so I have something for inspiration.  Let’s see what I can come up with:

• A chance to change lives for the better
• A deeper relationship with God
• A sense that God’s will is being done in my life

Those are big things, but I wonder if they’re enough?