Things Observed From The Gas Station Lavatory.

Sorry.  Random entry title.  But that’s ok, because this entry is random.

Honestly, I’m not sure what to write in this diary anymore.  I can’t write about what I’d really like to write about…and so most days I come into OD, anxious to write, and I leave shortly afterwards, without actually writing anything.  My problem is this:

Everytime I come onto OD, I scan random entries, and I find myself critiquing them.  There’s a few static types of diaries:

-Political Diaries

-"I believe in Jesus and everything points to Him" diaries

-"I’m a sex addict and have to share the elicit details with random strangers" diaries

-"Woe is me because everything sucks all the time, and even when it doesn’t suck, it’s about to" diaries

-"I hate everything" diaries

-"I have relationship problems" diaries

and hundreds of other highly static, uninteresting diaries.   (Luckily, my favorites list tends away from being these types of diaries.)  But then, I read my diary.  And I quickly discover that I’m a cliche.  And it doesn’t amuse me very much.  I don’t like it that when I write something that is close to my thoughts, and I think carefully about it, and then it ends up being highly unoriginal and boring and typical.  It bothers me quite a lot.  Yet, all the topics I have to write about these days are mostly typical.  My life has become sort of boring.

You’d think, by the way I typed that, that I thought it was a bad thing.  But it’s not.  I really like the predictability my life has now.  It’s spectacular.  One of the problems I had before was that I didn’t have any consistency in my life, and so days got disconnected from one another.   Now, the days and weeks sort of blur together, and I rather like it.

I could tell you about the wedding plans, or that we’ve finally got a date nailed down (July 22nd).  But what does that mean, anyways, in cyberspace?  I could tell you how we got our engagement pictures taken this last Saturday.  But what does that mean in this space?  What correspondence does that have to real life in cyberspace?  I could be making this entire thing up out of my head, and no one would ever know the difference.  I could write an entry that Britt and I eloped, hammer out my details, post it, and most people would never know the difference.  It just makes me sad.

I could write about my job, but no one wants to hear about the history of a small group of Sabbath keeping Baptists in this space.  I know this because I’ve tried to stir the pot a bit, and basically, the pot doesn’t stir.  There are so many asinine topics of conversations in weblogs now, that such a minute theological debate (and one that is so firmly entrenched against even having the discussion with me) doesn’t even register.  Maybe if I made it this big sex scandal and sold a few books or got it on the news…people would pay attention.

I could write about how I am, and how things really are better with me lately, and how much better I feel emotionally and physically, and spiritually and about one hundred other ways, but every time I try to formulate it, it ends up sounding cliche.  I don’t have the words to capture it.  I refuse to believe that my impending emotional, physical, mental and spiritual health is a cliche.  Not after the dark roads I walked.  So that won’t do either.

What does that leave?

I’m not angry anymore.  My vitriol is gone.  I’m prepared to be ignored and belittled by the scientific community, but I don’t really want to sign up for it anymore.  I’m not convincing anyone, and they’re not convincing me.  It just seems to be an enormous waste of time–a bunch of shortsighted egomaniacs listening to themselves argue the same points, over and over and over.  (What’s even more amusing is how that will be interpreted by those who disagree with me.  "He’s giving up because his arguments stink….etc, etc."  It makes me sad.)

I might be done with this space now…

Maybe I’ll start a new diary and write about what I really want to write about, but I don’t think that this forum is the place to do that.  I’d like to write to encourage my brothers and sisters in Christ and talk theology, but this space wouldn’t be particularly good for doing that.  I’m still pondering.