In Honor of Bill Simmons….
Alright. So it’s awards night. In honor of The Sports Guy, of Page 2 fame (think ESPN.com), I’m going to do a running log of the evening’s festivities as I sit here on my couch. This should keep me amused for a couple of hours.
6:30 PM- The show wasn’t supposed to start until 7, was it? I guess they added that extra half an hour for the comedic stylings of Billy Crystal. When was the last time he was in a funny movie? I’m just saying.
6:49 PM- Can you ever say too much about Tim Robbins? The guy is class, all the way. I appreciated what he had to say in his acceptance speech about abuse victims. I have the feeling that in preparing to play the role he played in Mystic River that he did a whole bunch of research.
7:06 PM- Finding Nemo for best animated feature? What a shock.
7:11 PM- Renee Zellweger is talking about how people don’t pay account to naked folks. Let me tell you something true. I’d be paying attention if I saw people naked all up in my business. I’m just saying. And if Renee Zellweger is unclothed, you can BET I’m paying attention. Again, I’m just saying.
7:13 PM- Lord of the Rings is 2 for 2. This cannot be a good sign. When you want something to win Best Picture, it’s always a bad sign when you win art design and costume design. This is one of those Murphy’s Law truisms full in play: “Nominated for 11 Oscars, including best picture!!!!” (Oh, and by the way, you’re only going to win 7, and not best picture.) I’m shaking here. I can’t believe this.
7:15 PM- Billy Crystal is trying to be funny again. No good can come of this.
7:16 PM- I can no longer take Nicolas Cage seriously. Ever since that Celebrity Jeopardy skit on SNL.
7:17 PM- *yawn*
7:20 PM- I’m rapidly becoming a Renee Zellweger fan. She just won for Best Supporting Actress. I think it’s something about the Louisiana chick thing. I’ve been a fan of them recently. (No, don’t ask.) But if she says, “um,” one more time, I’m going to recant.
7:23 PM- Tom Hanks just came out to “Hail to the Chief.” How appropriate. And he’s doing homage to Bob Hope. Fair enough.
7:27 PM- So the montage tribute ends. They pan to Bob, for 3 seconds, and then cut to a shot of the darkened audience in the fourth balcony. Of the 3 seconds, his face was covered for 2 of them. My roommate just openly wondered if it was a stunt double.
7:30 PM- And now a shameless promotion for “Starsky and Hutch.” Owen Wilson agrees. Classically unfunny.
7:34 PM- Brief note: No one cares about live action short film.
7:35 PM- Another brief note: No one cares about animated short film.
7:37 PM- Liv Tyler is hot. I love the glasses. Not so big on the hair. It looks like she’s bald on one side. But she looks kind of like Lisa Loeb with those glasses. I love Lisa Loeb too. This is Alison Krauss’s second award show performance in as many months. What’s the deal? Now she’s singing two songs in a row. Is she performing all the songs, in the name of fairness? I’m confused. I can just feel the drama and emotion building. I’m weepy. Good grief. Why is it that every Oscar nominated song always this dirge about melancholy existence? I mean seriously. And now, more Liv. I think we should just keep her on camera all night. I’m all about it.
7:46 PM- Apparently, they’re doing all the Oscar nominated songs at once. It’s given me time to start thinking: who is going to provide this years embarassing political statement? I’d love to see Michael Moore get up and run across the stage in a “Soy Bomb” moment, only to get shot by a sniper from the fourth balcony. Early odds are on the documentary film winner: I’m giving 5:2 on it.
7:50 PM- Mastercard has just committed three of the unforgivable sins of advertising. (1) Using sentimental family crap in an otherwise successful ad campaign. (2) Using a dog to get brownie points. (3) Doing a “to be continued” commercial. I’m already drafting a letter to Mastercard in complaint.
7:56 PM- Billy Crystal was just almost funny. Will Smith is tall. Lord of the Rings won again. It’s like watching an impossible stunt: You know that it’s bound to go wrong at the last minute, but you keep up this absurd hope. This is worse than a kick in the mess.
8:00 PM- Jennifer Garner. (The previous is a complete sentence.)
8:02 PM- Jim Carrey is drunk or high or both. Blake Edwards deserves to be honored. He’s made some of the funniest comedies ever. If you’ve not seen the Pink Panther movies, you’re missing out. They are hilarious. He’s made some great, great movies.
8:14 PM- Bill Murray needs to win tonight for best actor. But he won’t. The Academy is full of snobs. They won’t let an SNL guy win. There’s no chance of that happening. Hell would freeze over first. But I’d like to see it happen.
8:18 PM- LOTR has won again. I’m cringing now every time it gets read as a nominee. It’s easy to discredit a film that has great makeup, costumes, special effects, score, etc. It will end up working against the film for best picture. Wait and see.
8:20 PM- John Travolta just called Sandra Bullock, “Sandy.” I’d like to see that become a federal crime. I’m suddenly reminded why she was in the #1 spot for so long. But I don’t see her reclimbing the rankings. Sorry, Sandy. LOTR is nominated again, and they’ve won again, this time for sound mixing. This is getting ridiculous.
8:26 PM- I think Julia Roberts has had some work done. And I’m not just talking a tune up. I’m talking some chassis work, a paint job, new transmission.and her roots are showing.
(continued, next entry)