The grip of solidarity

I often find myself craving company, craving connection and the feeling that someone is in my corner. The reality is nobody is going to be a better friend to me, than me. I always treat my friends and husband the way I want to be treated. I help my friend with her kids bdays, help them with favors, be there for them. Show up. It seems like I never get that in return. It feels like nobody is willing to put effort into a relationship with me especially my husband. It would be so easy, I’m not hard to please. Maybe he would do the dishes for me seeing how stressed i am, or maybe he would take me out for a drive just to spend time with me.. come along to the grocery store to keep me company.. buy me my favorite drink when he goes to the store. Its the little things like celebrating my birthday or getting me a thoughtful Christmas present or just going out of his way even the slightest to show his appreciation. He does thank me sometimes. I know I should be grateful for that, does it make me greedy to want more?

I give so much to everyone in my life, I work tirelessly doing everything in my power to make my husband and daughter happy and have a fulfilling life but it feels like all everyone does is take and take and take. I find myself seeking validation and I don’t want that for myself. I don’t want to be a desperate lonely loser who jumps at the first sign of attention. I’ve been working on dismissing this from my life, the petty need to be appreciated and valued is overrated.  I’m tired of bending over backward for nobody to appreciate it, my efforts are wasted and nobody values my contribution. Now i need to break the habit of putting everyone else first but it just feels so unnatural. I’m a giver at heart and my love language is acts of service so this will be a challenge for me but if i don’t act now ill be stuck in this hole forever.

I’ve been having an identity crisis. I feel so far away from who i used to be but i assume that comes with trying to change your personality.