::Long Winter

toplayalongathome:eyes of a stranger queensryche

It has, for lack of a better phrase, been a Very Long Time since I’ve done this. I feel cold and wet, a wobbly-legged newborn fawn who spent an hour staring at the dialog box before he finally began to type, tottering all knobbly-knuckled and heedless, forward until it’s done.

I left for a variety of reasons. Because of all the ads and popups – which the new iterations of Firefox have under control. Because I was in school and working two jobs. Because I was unhappy with myself for always complaining. Because I was lazy.

I feel badly enough about it — embarrassed at my lassitude — that I’ve contemplated deleting all my earlier entries and pretending like I really am a brand new opendiary fawn.

But, no.

A great deal has come to pass in the two years and more since I last wrote a real entry. When last we left our hero, he was toiling at two menial jobs and also going to school full-time, and didn’t have time to scratch his ass, let alone keep up a journal.

It surprises me how things have come full circle, save that I miss the journal.

I finished school – sort of. I ended up quitting in my third year, but coming clean with an AS, with highest distinction. Yes, I can now prove that I am smart and can pay thousands of dollars to be taught. Hmm. In any case, I quit because my car died. This meant I had to borrow a vehicle, which was available when I needed to go to work — but not early enough for me to get to campus. And when I withdrew from that summer’s course load, it put me beneath the Minimum Required Hours to retain my scholarships and grants. Without those, staying in school was not really an option financially.

It was my great fortune to graduate and begin searching for a job just as the economy started to tilt toward the shitter. In the time since, I bucked for and earned a promotion at my menial airport job, moving to a somewhat less menial supervisory position. This made me more money and gussied up my resume a little bit (yes! I am a team leader for a Fortune 500 company!). It did not find me a Big Boy Job.

So I’ve spent the last few years working a night-shift, outdoor job. You few longtime readers will remember my grousing about it. During the best of times, it’s not too shabby. During Arctic cold snaps like the last couple of weeks — it’s hell on earth. The up side is that I get to play with heavy equipment, yell a lot and throw things. This is good for the testosterone.

Last November, I secured another, part-time job merchandising vending machines for a newish company that will go unnamed in this space. You have most likely heard of them. It has, up to now, been a terrible, soul-sucking job that has me (between the two) working from the moment I wake until the moment I crawl into bed, with a half-hour break between jobs to shit, change clothes, and eat (not necessarily in that order), four days a week. Did I mention some of the new job’s work was also outdoors? brr. As I said, things have come full circle.

In the Opendiary Dictionary next to Starhawk, the definition might read: “Creature who thrives on his leisure time.” Impotent rage, I am full of it.

So, it has been a long and cold winter. Of discontent, if we’re going to get all emo and cliche’d. I’m weary of working in the rain, the snow, the wind, the dark. For less than half of what my mate makes. This is not so good for the testosterone.

I say this not really to complain, although I have been unhappy. It seems like this winter has dragged on for years already.

But, there are up sides, and I will now wax eloquent on them.

First and foremost, my mate still loves me despite my poor luck in career-hunting. We are happy and fuzzy and all that good stuff. The only way it could be better is if we had more time together. Well, and maybe if she had an orgasm every time I snapped my fingers. That would be kinda entertaining.

My circle of friends has dwindled, but those that remain are steadfast in their devotion, despite how busy I’ve been and how little I’m available. I’d be lost without them, and I am joyous for their being in my life.

At the end of this last spring, the mate and I bought a house. An absolutely fucking lovely house. I adore this house. I want to live here the rest of my life. While this economy has kept me from finding a Big Boy Job, it is also what made this possible, through the incredibly low interest rates, and the depressed pricing market. The mate, fortunately, has a Big Girl Job — and our credit is sterling. We didn’t have to settle for a starter home. I can’t express enough how thankful I am that we were blessed with a great (and honest) real estate agent, who guided us here. When I look back on the “great recession of ’09”, I will remember moving in here more than I will ever remember shivering in misery at the airport.

And, I had a job interview yesterday afternoon. I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself, but I am EXCITED BEYOND FRICKIN WORDS. My Big Boy Job is staring me in the face. I knocked the interview straight out of the park. I will hear from them on Tuesday, and I desperately want to turn in my notice at my airport job, and quit precipitously at my vending-slave job. I haven’t wanted anything this much in a very long time; enough to pray, which I do very, very rarely:

O $DEITY, great eternal Thing which I do not understand, please bring me in from the cold and the dark. I miss the sun and I miss my wife and friends. I want to do good work so that I can be comfortable with money, provide for my wife and raise children in this world You’ve made. I promise to make the world a better place if this chance can fall into place. Please, please, please, I love You, amen.