from sum1 i dunno #3

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

So yeah.. I suck at life. I hate who I am becoming. I hate who I am now. I hate how I act around people. I hate the way I look. I hate the way Im feeling. I hate the way I dont have control. I hate the way people are so quick to judge. I hate the way things cant be simple. I hate how things seem to just keep going wrong. I hate how I feel so tired all the time. I hate how I dont have any relaxing time. I hate how Im not at peace with myself. I hate being so shy and quiet. I hate how self-conscious I am. I hate how I work so hard only for it to backfire in my face. I hate how I make a fool out of myself. I hate how I cannot just think before I act. I hate how I dwell on the things I cannot change. I hate the way my dreams seem to never come true.

There are days when I hate myself.. and there are days when I accept and like who I have become. There are days when there are just a few moments where I am fighting with myself.. but then there are days when thats all I ever do. There are days where I think to myself, wow shes such a good person, but at the same time, there are days when I think to myself, why the hell did she just do that? Why did/didnt she do that!? My mind is fighting. Its like Im here.. but then Im not here. Which side to I chose? What side do I take? Do I take both? Or maybe neither? I dont know. I dont know anymore.?I have images in my head.. some that I hope will happen, some that I dont. I have work to make them come true. But the thing is, I have been working for so long now, and nothing has come out of it. I dont want to give up.. but I feel thats all I can do. I always screw up somehow. When things are starting to look up.. I ruin it. I screw it up. Ughh.. I dont even know what to say anymore.

Im going to lay in my bed and listen to music. That is my favorite time of the day I think.. listening to my music in bed and dreaming of what I wish to happen in my life.. Take care girls.. sorry for such a depressing post. Im just drained. Ive had a long weekend/week and its on tuesday night 🙁 3 more school days– I can do this.