….*sigh*….

Tonight I am frustrated – not upset in any regards, more disappointed I suppose.  As school supplies were purchased for my daughter, I wished her father desired to be a part of this big event for her.  I considered calling him tonight and inviting him to do something – anything – so the kids could enjoy his company, but I resisted.  He will call when he’s ready.  The two months mark has been crossed now.  It’s sad.  Especially when Alyssa asks me about her dad and where he is.  Although the comments don’t come too often, I know they cross her mind.  "He’s really busy honey, he loves you A LOT though".

Tomorrow she has school orientation, where she’ll be meeting her teacher.  Wednesday she starts her first day of school of FIRST GRADE!!! **mushy heart**.  She looked absolutely precious today, with her long black sports pants and a beautiful pink/white shirt that tied in the back.  She was down playing with her friend and ran back up to change clothes (from her snow white costume into the above clothes).  Quickly dipped her hair into water, brushed and braided it.  She takes my heart away.

I have to accept it though.  Everyone lives life differently, priorities are different (I surely know mine are vastly different then others).  It doesn’t make them wrong, just different then your own.  All you can do is live life in the way that is right for you – taking into consideration those that are directly effected.  I still couldn’t imagine going so long without seeing my children – but maybe that’s just me.  My children are my everything.  And I know that who I am as a parent to them, is a part of their success in life as a person, partner, and parent.  I may not always be perfect, but every day I do my very best.

Tonight Jonah’s dad called.  He started talking about homeschooling and blew when I explained my main reason for doing so now.  Jonah asked me not to say anything, that he didn’t want to appear as a failure in his dads eyes.  I thought it would be ok – I was wrong 🙁  Jonah got on the phone (I prewarned him what I did) and faced his dad.  He held back his tears, and then after hanging up he wrapped his arms around my waist, buried his head into me and just cried.

His dad felt lied to, when nothing was just ever said.  It has to be so hard for a child to want to tell his dad something but be unable to because he knows what will result from it.  To censor himself.  I always hope my children feel as though they can come and tell me anything – anything at all.  So far I’m doing pretty well in that department.  His dad wanted to know why he was never told – that was why – that reaction.  He didn’t see that as a reason.  Jonah seems very cautious what information he offers to his dad.

Jonah and I sat and talked.  Again I reminded him how much is dad loves him and just wants what he feels is best.  Jonah said he just wants to make his dad happy.  This is what our main talk was over.  You can’t live life to make another person happy (maybe the better term would be to not live your life in fear of disappointing someone, or to gain or keep someones approval), otherwise you’ll end up having a very poor and unhappy life.  You can’t ever make everyone happy, and living for one person is a miserable way to be.  I reminded him of Juliane, and how I jumped through hoops for years to keep her happy, facing constant disapproval, and where was she now?  Not talking to me.  I reminded him of his dad, and how he bent over backwards to please his father, but never got anywhere.  All he wanted was his dads complete approval and praise, and rarely ever got it.  Every day he worked to please his dad – Jonah’s dad still feels like a failure, and his dad died feeling so. 

With reminding Jonah of these events, I reinstated how important it was for him to live for himself.  No one ever is going to always agree with him, and not everyone will.  I reminded that even with me, I wasn’t going to push him one way or another on anything, but would like a solid reason as to why he wanted to do something…. and not for the reason of someones approval.

Basically, be an independant thinker.  Believe in your thoughts and reasons.

He called his dad again, to say he loved him, and bursted out bawling 🙁  Telling his dad how much he loved him and how sorry his was for letting him down *I could have cried*.  I was proud of him though – although he tried to be careful what and how he said something to his dad, he also stood his ground.  What an amazing child. 

His dad began ranting how I took him (Jonah) away from him, and how he wants to be a father to him, and can’t so far away.  He wants to spend more time with him but can’t.  Jonah excitedly told him how with homeschooling now, so long as he can meet me half way (where we usually meet – near 250mi for both of us) he can come down almost anytime so long as his schoolwork is completed.  An open door to solve the situation, and his dad stalls and ‘reminds Jonah’ that he has a restaurant to run and wont always be able to have him *sigh*.  He definitely is a hard worker.

What’s unfortunate for both of these fathers, although very different, is that they ARE roll models in their childrens lives, whether they realize it or not.  Both in how they act and how they treat situations.  Jonah looks up to his dad, Alyssa looks up to hers – while wondering where he is.  I do what I can to provide strong male role models in their life, but nothing will replace their own fathers. 

When talking to one guy friend, he told me about his girlfriend and her insecurities of not being good enough or the man she’s with staying around.  I asked if this stemmed from childhood, and he said yes.  Her parents seperated when she was young and her father was never around.

I can understand where both fathers are coming from, but what about the kids?

But I keep these thoughts to myself, wish both men strength as they do what they feel is best for their children, and always remind the kids how much their father loves them – – – which is very true.