Upset..

Its 12:21AM and I just got off of the phone with my friend that i got to tryout with me. She got a part and she called me and we talked about it.  Yeah. She doesnt know what he is thinking either.  I told her how HURT i am, more than anything. Not really pissed, just hurt.  Then she goes on to tell me that one person already dropped out, and he called someonelse to fill the position.  Which hurt my feelings even more. Why wasnt i called? Why wasnt i called to take a spot? Into the woods is my most favorite show, and he knew that. He knew that i have been looking forward to this show since december. 30 pounds lost so i could look great on stage. All of these things done, for what?! NOTHING. Absolutely nothing. For this..to be upset and cry.  Thats all. Thats all this show has given me. Tears.

So my friend is going to talk to him on monday.  She is going to ask him if he has talked to me lately. Well of course he hasnt.  And then he is going to go and tell him that im upset and my feelings are hurt more than anything, im not pissed just hurt, because i wanted a role, any role. It didnt matter what, just a part. Then she is going to get his response and let me know.  She went on to say that i just put to much in theater and havent gotten that much out of it. Thats exactly right. Thats why im going to write it off. I would of accepted the role of a stepsister. I would of excepted it if he had called me this afternoon and asked me if i wanted it. But no. Who does he call? Someone else. Someone he has never worked with before. I found it to be sickening.

So now im crying..and i guess this is what i get for holding it in all day. Now its tears that wont go away. The ones that build up inside your stomach, and when you dont want them to fall..they pour like rain. The tears that make you feel sick inside, that feel that like they are never going to stop. Those tears. The same tears that fall every time i feel like ive been treated unfair. The shower of im so sad dripping down a persons face. This time i can truly say i have been treated UNFAIR. Kayla was talking about how cinderella may drop out, and how jacob may quit too because hes doing footloose. He chose a girl that is 3 inches taller than me to play little red riding hood. I didnt understand it at all. My auditions were not bad, but thats just how it goes.

I should just go live in New York, where a person is faced with failure everyday. Where a person is told they didnt get a role 90% of the time. Im use to that here, and its not even new york, its a crummy corner of texas where community theater is full of nothing but dirty politics and its all about who you know and what youve done. Funny how two placed can be so far apart, but still so much alike…

I know its a little overboard me acting like this. But the truth is i have been looking forward to this for 6 months.  All the hopes that i had for doing my #1 favorite show is gone. My heart is seriously hurting because i feel like i am not good enough in more than one way.  Either im too tall or too short, or too fat, or i cant sing high enough, or i sing too high, no matter which way i look at it,  im just not good enough…

-Court =(