1 Again

 I’ve written many blogs in my life. Some of them die, others just fade away. Then, I start a new blog when a new chapter starts in my life. 

 

That new chapter is starting about today. Well, tbh, it probably started a long time ago, I was just too lazy to start writing. Hmm…, lazy isn’t really what I meant though. It’s more like I just haven’t got the energy to do anything lately. I think I’ve been suffering from a huge case of burnout, and it’s manifesting into depression. 

 

I feel really depressed…again. This isn’t the first time. I felt depressed when I was going through turmoil in my home. And then I felt depression when I was going through my whole "I hate myself cause I’m gay" phase. 

 

And now, I’m right back to where I was when I was that scared little teenager, not sure of what my life was to become. Except now I don’t hate that I’m gay. Rather, I merely reject it. I choose to renounce it because I’m tired of finding ways to make myself happy, knowing that God is the only way that will make me truly happy. Or so I tell myself….

 

Truth is, I just wish I wasn’t straight or gay. I wish I didn’t have to deal with all this sexuality struggles, of me always wanting to be with a guy. Cause guess what? Even if I do start liking girls, I’m just going to struggle wanting a girlfriend, and that’ll start depressing me. 

I think what I really want is to just be happy, to not be depressed. I’m tired of being sad, and disappointed, and worried, and angry at people who’ve hurt me. I dream my life would be different from what i’m living now; just sitting around, feeling sorry for myself. Ever since my boyfriend and I broke up, and I’ve had no one to really confide in since I’m a closeted Christian. And how much I missed him, how badly it hurt to not have him there, that was a year’s worth of hell. 

 

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So what’s new, you may ask? Nothing, really. I’m still depressed as I was when I felt like my parents didn’t love me, when I felt like God was playing a curse on me, when my boyfriend dumped me and started dating someone else months later and just gave me the cold shoulder. Yea, all that’s new is that I’ve hit a new boiling point and I’m about to snap, cause I feel like I just can’t take another day here in college. Life is so hectic here, people are running and running farther and farther ahead, and I’m back here taking my slow time  dreaming and sleeping and watching youtube videos. Please God, help me out of this rut I’ve found myself in. I feel so distant from everyone around me, and that makes me feel distant from you. Don’t forget me, Lord, don’t leave me here to just waste away. I really wish I had someone here to  just……hold me. Tell me everything’s going to be alright, that I’ll make it to the end happy and joyful and living life. I wish someone could just hug me and never let me go.

 

I think that’s what I was looking for the most when I hooked up this past winter break with some guys around the area. I was trying to find guys older and taller than me, but instead of missing all the sex/whatever, I think I really valued the cuddling the most. So primitive and sinful of me, gahh…I wish I had a heart that was stronger than this. I wish my God could give me the strength to just stand up against all this basal desire and sadness and just take everyday the right way saying, "Let me live my life for you, God. Let me cling to the salvation I’ve gained, and let me be free from my sadness."

Which brings up the question I’ve been struggling with for so long: How do you overcome your sadness? How do I become happy again? Is it through more friendships? More service? Less self-pitying, more forgiveness? More time with God? More pursuit of relationships? Is it success, is it honor? Is it being adorned and admired? 

How come happiness is so elusive, or rather, why is sadness so prevalent in my life? Let’s think: I am sad because….

I feel like I don’t have any friends

I feel ugly

Because I feel ugly, I feel like no one wants to date me or be my friend

I feel like God doesn’t need me to serve him cause I’m ugly and can’t really evangelize

I don’t know who I study for, or what I do anything for anymore since I can’t accomplish anything

I’m useless to everyone around me. To my church, to my society, to my family, to my friends (which don’t want to hang out with me)

I’m a loser

I’m worthless

All I have is salvation….in which case it is better for me to die right now, then to go on living in my misery

So perhaps God can just kill me now, and I can go to heaven, since committing suicide is a sin. 

Wow, this is depressing. I should see a psychiatrist. But, i’m too scared cause I think everyone will think I’m weak. Including those memories of my mom telling me to just kill myself. Yea, that was a rough day. I need to get out of here, that’s all I’m sure of. 

 

I don’t know if I need to physically re-locate myself, or if I need to get into another state of mind. But, all I’m certain of is that (a) I can’t leave this place for a while and (b) I need something to change in my life. I need help, but I think I’m a bit not trusting of God since I don’t think he cares that much about me. Only when I get to heaven will everything be revealed. Until then, I’m like Fantine; unaware of God’s presence until after death. God has abandoned me, I suppose. For being gay, for being a sex-maniac, for always wanting to be with a guy and be held, and have sex perhaps. Actually, I could do without the sex to be honest. I just want to be held, to be loved…..

 

I just want to be loved.