Roxana and the Green Light

I am not known for my brevity, though the lateness of the hour demands it. Twelve years later I have recovered this long forgotten and abandoned diary to find that I no longer pine for Rebekah. I can go weeks without her crossing my mind, and perhaps years without her haunting a dream. The dull ache of general loneliness is all that remains, and when compared to the way I felt before it nearly turns to joy. Tonight feels different however. It’s not that I am alone, it’s that, for a brief moment, I wasn’t. Twenty years ago, I was 16. It’s when I met Roxana. I was one of the most innocent and naive teenage boys in all of history. The things I wanted to do to this girl, with her, for her, too numerous to name, and never going past the imaginings of a kiss. She was kind to me, and went so far as to consider me a friend. Though I asked her out nearly every day, she was patient with me, and even through in a few “maybe”. I knew her so well, and there was an energy between us that was palpable. On occasion when I was blessed enough to share a class with her, I could often feel when she was staring at me, and would turn to meet her glance. We would lock eyes and smile, each silently daring the other not to look away. Over time grew too intense for me. She had a steady stream of boyfriends, and while I always joked about being next, I never was. We’d once made a pact that when I turned  90 and she was 89 that we would wed so long as we were both single, but for the time being I had to run away. It wasn’t difficult when we no longer shared classes. I knew her schedule, where she would be, and the path she would take to get there. I simply made sure that our paths would not cross. If that meant, going down the stairs, crossing the hall, and coming up on the other side, that was the way I would go. At the end of the year, my father who was in the Air Force at the time was stationed to Southern California, which meant that for my remaining two years in high school, I would be nearly 2,000 miles away from her. She wasn’t finished with me though, and the Christmas before I left, she handed me a card stating that she would take me out on a date. It wasn’t quite what I had in mind, but the prospect of spending time with her away from school had me so riled up that I accidentally locked my keys in the car along with her Christmas card. We ate at Steak n’ Shake. I don’t remember what we talked about, only that when it was over she insisted on paying. Leaving her was easy, but forgetting her once I got to California was impossible. I wrote poetry, and sang love songs in the privacy of my car. Then, during my junior year, I was told that we would be returning to Illinois where she resided. My Grandmother was dying of cancer, and we were going to visit her one last time. My brother and I took the opportunity to infiltrate our old high school, and I found Roxana eating lunch in cafeteria. I asked if I could sit next her, and she was surprised to see me. She smiled and welcomed me to take a seat. I was shocked. There I was sitting next to the girl of my dreams, and I felt nothing. I was elated. It was like a light switch had been turned off. When I walked away from her, I took my heart with me, fully intact. Fast forward 5 years. I’ve just graduated college in San Antonio, TX, and am moving to Missouri where my Dad has retired. I stopped by Roxana’s house in Illinois, but she wasn’t there. I left my name and new phone number, and forgot that I’d even stopped by. A couple years later, she called, and said that name and number had fallen behind her dresser. She’d been married, had a daughter, and was divorced. We met up at the St. Louis Zoo, and I found myself with an old friend, just a friend, albeit a pretty one. We’ve seen each other once since then, but we still keep in touch online. It’s not appropriate for us to spend more time together, because she’s now married to her second husband, and has another child. She once said about marriage that the third time is the charm, but I want nothing to do with the destruction of her family. She’s recently confessed that even in high school she had feelings for me, but didn’t want to draw me into the drama of her life. She talks about how she has to guard herself when we chat online. She’ll message me when she’s hurt or feeling alone; when she should be leaning on her husband. Tonight is the first time, that I’ve had to guard my words and heart from her since high school. We chatted as normal, but there was a hint of longing in me, and when she said goodbye, she left a sudden void. It was only a small piece of my heart that she took with her tonight, but I see the danger in it. I’m in high school again, starting to want what I can’t have, only now there is so much more at stake for her to lose.