all I know is I was lucky you were mine

My title isn’t directed at anyone in particular, I just have that Forest Blakk song in my head (’cause it was just playing in my headphones).  Such a emotional song and video, jeez.

Hi!  If you’re not aware, I am a walking pile of emotional flesh, bones, and titanium plates.  I process my world through my emotions, sort of like the opposite of a robot.  This is something I wasn’t aware of until recently, I feel.  I mean, I can be rational and clearly realistic, but my emotions for sure govern my perceptions because the filter is right there in my skull meat.  I might not act in an emotional way, but the processing is emotional, if that makes any freakin’ sense to anybody.

Forgive me using a much-too-common internet phrase, but…that being said!  (Seriously, that’s something that so many content creators use when they’re putting their words together in their head as they’re speaking, and I guess now I’m guilty of doing it in my writing, what a cliche!).  I’m getting insanely excited about going down to see Shannon in just two days.

Now that Noah Kahan song, “Stick Season,” is playing that I first heard at my mom’s hair place and it made me cry and her hair lady got to see a grown-ass man get all flubbery teary.  Always cleansing to get to the flubbery teary stage.

I’m anticipating how I’m going to be when I’m with Shannon in a few days.  I’m sure that it’s going to be all kinds of emotionally potent because I haven’t seen her in-person in twenty-four years.  Even if it’s not something that will go further than ust just hanging out, I still haven’t done that with somebody in that specific niche of my existence in such a long  time.

There’s a bit of a memory of seeing Alicia (my first girlfriend-type-person, though I was also too broken to function with her) during our college days.  She went to school down in Florida and was up visiting the town we grew up in and we did get together and she just told me about all of her sexcapades and a lot of events that made me want to hurt all of the people that she was talking about.

What’s cool about Shannon is that all of our history has been full of the pleasant.  We’d be flirty (much to her boyfriends’ chagrins, I am sorry but when I feel like I could jive with somebody I’m going to do my best to jive!) and she would often say, “If Jake asked me out I’d have to say yes!”  And then when we danced together at our senior prom!  She squeeeezed our bodies together as we swayed and I fully remember the cloud of her girl-hair enveloping my olfactory bulb in a warm hug.

YouTube is deliberately playing emotional music for me because it knows I’m in the mood to feel, so that’s interesting.

I just remembered one of my first nights here at my parents house after having the marital rug pulled out from under me. I woke up from a dead sleep and did this completely silent-scream-crying-from-the-deepest-parts-of-my-everything that felt as if the soul of that relationship was exiting my body with an utmost enthusiasm.  I’m pretty sure I slept a lot after that non-disruptive emotional outburst.  Just like when I went over to my dad’s place while things got sorted here and he and I had whiskey together.  That drink and my emotional turmoil made me sleep for fifteen hours, and I remember my dad just asking me how I was doing as I came up from the basement.

Super Bowl Half-time shows are…not aimed at my demographic?

But I am bouncing my shoulders to the beat.

*shakes head at self*