Spiraling Down

 I can’t find the words to explain how I’m feeling. Just so many little things have been bothering me and it’s building up, and I don’t know if I’ll be strong and hold the pressure or just break altogether.
It’s just so drastic how quickly your feelings can change, about people and relationships. There’s too much weighing heavily on my mind.
I need someone to talk to, about a lot of things, that I haven’t told anyone and I haven’t told them because of the judging that would occur. It’s just my three closest friends, first being Brittany, is the best to listen and understands me and we’re sisters essentially, but she’s far away and is incredibly busy all of the time. Second, I don’t know where me and Falan’s relationship took this unfamiliar turn, but it did. I’m constantly feeling judged with her, and what she does is soo much better and then the other day she brings up the past, as she does so often. She can’t comprehend the certain parts is what I regret most in my life. I told her you know what I don’t think about it ok? I suppress everything and I do it very well and I never think about it. I mean am I just now noticing this is the way she’s always been? Or did she change? I just don’t know where to start. I haven’t really spoke my mind much with her, but it’s coming. Then there is Marlee, she’s sweet and means well, and is a good listener, but she’s young and hasn’t experienced that much. So I’m left with this online diary.

When do you know it’s over? The moment where something clicks and comes into perfect perspective and shows you that this isn’t where you want to be. That this isn’t who you want to be with. What does it take to make a person realize it? Accept it?
Because lately I feel like he’s silently resenting me, and I deserve it. Lately I’ve been thinking, maybe we’d be better off not ever knowing each other. Lately I’ve been envisioning our lives, separate from one another. I love him and it kills me to think about any of this. I know we’ve been through a lot, and we will probably get through this. I need some sort of change cause I just don’t know anymore.

"I don’t want to be the one to walk away
but I can’t bear the thought of one more day
I think I finally understand what it means to be lost"
-Ev