Not like the movies

  And this is when it starts. When the weather is warm and the flowers start to bloom. This would generally make anyone else happy and excited for the summer to begin. For me however, it just reminds me of every single part of my past. For me it brings on this longing of freedom, doing whatever the hell I want without having to check in with anyone. For me I start entertaining all these different thoughts that consume almost every minute of my days and nights. I have an excited feeling of what I could do, of what could happen. Then it’s followed with a sense of guilt and pain and confusion. A whole lot of confusion. The last time this happened was the beginning of October, and then the time before was May, and every year before it’s generally been those same 2 months. Summer is what hits me the hardest though.

 I was laying on the couch, watching some sappy romantic show, and sent Brittany a random text that I know she wasn’t expecting. I said something along the lines of, do you think maybe it’s possible we just haven’t found our fairytale ending? or that is just doesn’t exist at all? She sent back something about her believing in fairytale endings, but that it’s not like the movies.
I responded with, "I’m afraid I’m going to do something stupid that I’ll regret." She asked, "like what?" and I responded "Seeing someone I shouldn’t" and she didn’t ask who, because she already knew. All the while of me saying this, I’m getting dressed to leave and go do just that.
Now today is the after math of it all. It feels different this time. This time I have a different feeling because of a new friendship I’ve formed over the past couple of months. I can see potential that I can move on, I don’t need either of them. I don’t have to settle. This time I have a great deal of more confidence in myself. I just want to be free and do what I want. But I don’t want to go through the pain and sadness of it all. What if I regret it? But then again, why would I keep doing the same things over and over if it wasn’t what I really wanted? August will make 6 years. That’s what I tried to explain to Brittany. "It’s just not that easy" is what I responded with when she asked "Well what’s stopping you from being with him if that’s who you want to be with instead?"

She says she will come over next Tuesday, and "we’ll talk about it all" but I don’t know what I want to tell her. I had kept it all in for the past 4 or 5 years until last August, when we sat at the food court in the mall, and I confessed everything. So, I guess I’ll try to tell her everything. Saying it out loud might make me feel different than just thinking it. Who knows.

For now, I’ll keep entertaining these thoughts, and I’ll become distant, and I’ll lie, and he’ll pick up on it, and a fight will form, and I don’t know what will happen from there. What normally happens though, is I fight the feeling for a few weeks, if not longer, and I eventually come around to my senses I guess. I tell myself it’s stupid to want what I want, and I’ll regret throwing away everything.

Next Sunday is his birthday, and for the past 4 or 5 years in a row, his birthday has always been terrible. I want to make it a good one, and be happy, and want to be with him and not have my mind elsewhere. I also want his insurance settlement money to come in, so he can have everything paid off, and be fine financially okay so I won’t feel guilty for that anymore. Maybe by the end of May I’ll feel completely different. It’s usually what happens. But before though, it was just one person consuming my thoughts, and knowing that person wasn’t the best for me at that particular moment. This time, I’ve had someone else to question, and envision. Someone completely new, who doesn’t know anything about my past and my fuck ups. Someone that I can tell would treat me amazing, and wouldn’t treat me like I’m going to eventually fuck up, or that I’m naive and stupid and just something to fuck. However don’t get me wrong, we are just friends. But we’ve become really good friends. And when I get asked "Hey me and you and Jason should all go see The Avengers to celebrate the end of the semester" I get all excited at the thought and then it’s followed with an overwhelming depression and I have to respond "Me and Michael are going to see it for his birthday"
But even if it didn’t fall on his birthday, it’s not like I could go anyways. Apparently every guy I know, I will fuck at some point. Just being in our study group has made him accuse me of doing something dumb. I’ve already been found guilty of the crime and I haven’t even committed it.

I went to my brother’s and his wife’s last Saturday. I hadn’t seen him for 2 years and 4 months (long family drama story I’ll have to make another entry about) but things were great and I was so happy. I stayed from 7pm-3am. My intentions are to go back Friday night. When I can go alone and not have to take him with me. I’m already figuring out all of these ways to keep myself busy and consume my time if I find myself alone in the months to come. So far I have, volunteering at mom’s work til they actually hire me, going to my brother’s now, Brittany will be free for the summer, and my friend from class. Not dates or anything, but just a friend to do something with. I’ve got it all planned out, to a certain degree. I just don’t know how or when to do anything about it. And I’m really hoping the answer becomes clear soon.