I wish I didn’t hold grudges

I get why my current and old friends always say I need to let things go. From when it was fresh to, 6 years later–I lose track of time the times I was betrayed.

I outburst, I bitch, bring up the past–why do I do this to myself? Now, people are saying that I love drama and if all these things keep happening to me, to look inward and see that I’m the problem. Alright, I get it why the think that way, but why do they let their own friends behave and act in ways that are wrong? For example: When my former best friend started seeing my ex behind my back, while we were having problems, still sleeping in the same bed type deal. I was literally bitched at for “stopping love” and I’m “selfish” for being upset about it. Many people took her side because I was so traumatized about it. I trusted them both and they both betrayed me…yet, I’m the one still being upset about it til this day. How do I get over something like that? I wish I could drop it…I really wish I was that person that doesn’t give a flying fuck. But I care too much. I just can’t fathom how I’m the problem in that. That friend group also slept with each other, didn’t care who was dating who–this was before open and poly relationships were an accepted thing.

They would spread rumors that I were sleeping with people that I hadn’t, including my ex’s dad–who I did call my 2nd dad since I knew their family since high school. Some friends didn’t like my loud personality and hated that I was proud of mine or others’ accomplishments. Some don’t like my spontaneous energy or blunt answers. How I would joke around…like I never felt like any one of them liked me…but I guess they did? I don’t know. Sometimes it feels like I was a scapegoat for blame because I wear my heart on my shoulder. People know when I’m upset or happy and I don’t keep my own secrets, but I’d keep theirs.

I would make posts about my happy and sad times–which most people concentrated on my negative statuses rather than my positive ones. EVERY. TIME. I even made a post calling them out on it several times and no one commented. Until I had a bad day and I was told to “get over it.” The only time I had a huge outburst of love is when I got married. Like…why couldn’t anyone do that before? They didn’t care that I had a good day at the park, went to an awesome concert, showing that I love myself and the skin I’m in, stuff like that. Crickets…until I was upset about something and they syphoned that negative energy and shot it back at me.

I don’t get it. All I want is to be loved by everyone (youngest baby outta 5 syndrome) and when I’m not I get so upset and personally hurt. I know I need to stop worrying about what people think of me…but how? I’ve tried and when I put that mask on, I would get walked over. Like, “Oh she doesn’t care, I can do what I want to her.” Steal 2 of my boyfriends, hiding parties, saying I’m the problem when they dump their psycho bitch that they were fucking onto me so they could “have a break.” Then go back to her when they were wanting to fuck again, bitching me out when I’m upset with someone.

Nowadays, I just run away and hide. I haven’t been able to be myself in years. I’m a miserable bitch. So stuck on everyone hating me, afraid to show any emotion for it might upset someone, afraid to get close to someone–especially another woman…seems that they tend to like the men I chose. I’m walking on eggshells around them and shitty family. I literally am the scapegoat for all their problems. It’s easier to blame me. It’s easier to take their problems out on me. I thought social media was to put yourself out there…but people will take advantage of that and use it against you. All my posts, the negative ones, they all remember. They see me as “oh woe is me” because they have issues in their life and it’s easy to push the energy towards someone else.

This is how I feel. I don’t know if it’s all true. I’m just sick of being told these things, while they gossip and fuck around. I’m always wrong. I apparently don’t except any criticism…when I’m defending myself against a bitch that thinks I hacked her account, I’m the problem? I’m the problem when my emotionally abusive relative calls me racist, sexist and bigot, then tells me I’m their favorite–I can’t handle criticism because I actually talk to people of color, have real friends and coworkers that are LBGTQIA (I’m bi), when they stay at home, work from home and game–some people of color cracked jokes about themselves and involved me. I had 2 black coworkers that joked that I was their master and they were my slaves, they were laughing and laughing and all I could do is just smirk and say “oh my god.” I lived with one of them and he had dark racist jokes that he’d laugh at and say “oh come on.. it’s funny!” When I shown I was awkward. After 3 years of living with him, I finally laughed with him. So I brought my situation up with my very white relative and she reamed my ass for it. What are white people supposed to do? Like tell the people of color, the oppressed that what they say is not ok? My very white relative constantly is on the woke train determine what and how people of color and LBGTQAI people are supposed to be pissed about, what to advocate for and how to do it. Like my relative is helping those communities by telling them what to do. Very white person of you relative. 🙄

So…yeah. All of this that I keep in my mind constantly…I want to get rid of. I know I’ll be happier…but I just don’t know how.