Holy sh*t things have changed

Hey! I’m back! Pissed after reading my old entries that I got rid of my even older entries! Dummy!

Alright. Long story short. Fuck Butterz. He became the worst drunk asshole like his dad was. He was seeing my former best friend behind my back while we were having issues and still sleeping in the same bed. He was such a drunk that he got fired from the job that he finally got. Tried fixing it for a while but ended up the same every time. Just another booty call, but I wasn’t ok with the whole thing anymore. Had my roommates shoo him away and then he’d knock on my window. Said that we were poison for each other and that was literally the end of it.

I am now married. Happily married as of March 28, 2022. Braydn is too good to me. He was my roommate after I moved back into the house that Butterz refused to move out of. I moved myself out for a few months until they finally kicked him out and I moved back in. Braydn had a gf at the time, Carole and she was actually cool until after they broke up. I used to hold belly dance nights at that house and Braydn made her join one time and it was fun! Great all round cleavage shot from the ladies. Found out later after they broke up, that she was cheating on him from her old exes in town. She also claimed he wouldn’t let her leave the trailer they were in, in the back yard. He paid for her beauty school, bought her everything she needed and refused to get a job. I eventually started hanging out with him after she left and were also roommates with apparent friends. He took a liking to me and it’s been a crazy road ever since! He’s dealt with my crazy through the best times and through the bad times. He continues to be amazing and I will never take him for granted. Side note: I converted to Norse Paganism. When I was out of that house for the couple of months, I was adamant on giving tribute and love to Freyja. The goddess of love, fertility, sex and war. I made an alter and gifted her alcohol, poems and dance. I asked for the man I always dreamt of. And poof! Braydn happened.

Of course…the drama….so much has happened, I don’t know where to start! 

Probably at recent events:

I realized that every time that I have an issue with a friend, that I think everyone hates me. So I go on fb and delete people that are friends with them as well because I think they’re on the side of the person I’m having issues with.

This fucking nearly 70 yr old lady, the same age as my parents, had the audacity to try to “out me” for the shit I didn’t do. My fb apparently got hacked by a dude in brazil, that I found out after all this bullshit. I received a call from messenger and answered it. It was in “karen’s room”. (lady I’m talking about I’m calling karen). Thought it was weird but I popped into a video call with everyone I loved. Had a good chat and I gave my goodbye and went onto dinner. I got a message the next morning saying that she was going to out me for what I’ve done. She’s got screenshots and I’m just looking for attention. (Just went to a funeral 2 days prior) She had all the screenshots that I was an admin for her room and video calling everyone to her room. On my side, it showed NO activity. She continuously kept saying “REALLY???? REALLLY???? I HAVE SCREENSHOTS” when I said it wasn’t me. Mind you I had an outdated windows 7 laptop that was gifted to me by an old friend, “your windows isn’t genuine” type deal. I had a metropcs brand cell phone that didn’t even have access to state line towers. Apparently to karen, I was the best hacker in the world. Naturally, I freaked out because I was about to be outted for something I didn’t do. So I outted her first. Told my story and posted screenshots of the convo. Some friends weren’t about that. Claimed that I needed to apologize to her, that I’m victimizing myself….like whaaaat? My ex’s fiancée was one of the girls that were like “you don’t have a squeaky clean past” and I called her a homewrecker…since she did break up my ex’s and mine’s relationship back in the day. Other friends took their side and I was being avidly bullied for outting karen for trying to blackmail me for something I didn’t do. So I lost it. Unfriended a lot of people on fb and went on a 6 month hiatus until the month I got married. Recently at an SCA (medieval recreation larp) event, she was all happy like “ooooh, just water under the bridge!” and I played it cool like “….yeah!…..”

Breaking off from family has been tough. Recently for father’s day, I put an amazing post about my parents since my mom has been having health issues. My aunt, my mom’s half sister, was snide like “oh, good to know about my sister’s health” and I said that it was between her and my mom. I also expressed that I know the reason why my mom doesn’t talk to my aunt. My aunt is like 50 and still bums money from family. When no one can or wants to help, she literally cusses them out and tells them what a piece of shit they are. Like bitch. You have a daughter that needs special medical attention for her seizures and your husband can’t keep a job longer than a month and you’re just sitting at home. She said I was just as bad as my sisters who have helped her but cut them off because they didn’t want to provide her with money. My aunt also brought up the time when my mom stole money from their mom??? Like? Teenage normal fuckery and you’re bringing that up? What about your 50 year old ass that mooches off of family? So that is done, don’t care. That side of my mom’s family are all fucked. My mom couldn’t go to both of her brother’s funerals because my cousin is a fucking asshole and didn’t want her there. The only reason how we knew they died was from his sister….who is playing nice, even though her brother claims his whole family is fucked…yet he’s the one having incestual thoughts about my oldest sister…but yeah we’re the fucked up ones. And I’m an embarrassment to my family name. Like bruh…you’re an “author” and complained friends and family don’t read your books. Dude. It’s like reading fan fics from a 13 year old. No one is reading your shitty fantasy books.

Next is my niece. She has emotionally and verbally manipulated and abused me over the years. I think I have this weird empathy since she was a sexual abuse victim from my brother (serving 25 year sentence). She’s one of those “woke” people. You know a white american trying to tell people of color and other LGBTQIA+ what they should be upset with and how to go about it. If you don’t agree with her, she bullies you into oblivion. She tried many times to do this to her parents, but they were able to straighten her attitude towards them out because…well, they’re her parents. She always called me her favorite aunt…but I realized it was because of her past that I can be easily manipulated by her. (if you’re into astrology, she’s a scorpio and I’m a taurus.) She is REALLY good at manipulating and being abusive with her words. She knows how to break down anyone. People may claim that it’s because of her past….but just because of that, doesn’t give you the ok to take it out on others. It’s like serial killers that had a horrible upbringing, so they go out and kill. Still doesn’t give them free reign.

“Mental health isn’t your fault, but it is your responsibility” ~Marcus Parks.

Going off of her being super “woke,” I had a black roommate who cracked dark jokes and were able to laugh with him. Gave him a safe space to live and for his daughter to visit and stay. But I was the racist to reiterate his humor back at someone who I thought was open. She repeated to say that I was racist and that he was racist. She explained how it wasn’t right was HE was doing….like bitch, you work at home at a call agency and don’t see real people. How dafuq do you know what people of color want or can joke with? I don’t think she’s ever been around a person of color. She just has the typical white american, overly sympathetic to where it’s damaging to the people they’re trying to help, trying to control minorities because she thinks she knows what’s best for them….like dafuq.

This brings to when I told her to fuck off. I finally had the balls to express why I don’t feel comfortable speaking with her–it feels like walking on eggshells before she verbally abuses me if I say the wrong thing….talked to my sister, her mom, about it and apparently my niece was sad that I didn’t want to go to her wedding. The only time she replied to my comments or texts is if it was about PC culture. I don’t understand how you can make that your whole personality. You can advocate for many things, but to make it your whole world is actually weird. It’s not a personality trait. So after I was ballsy enough to message her about the abuse. She came back full force. Saying that I was victimizing myself, that I needed to grow up and learn constructive criticism, typical gaslighting from an abuser, ya know? Like it’s me and not HER. I love her fiance, he’s an amazing guy…but she doesn’t deserve him. He has a trans mom (mtf) and he’s still struggling coming to terms with it, but imagine if my niece got a hold of that information? She’d tear him apart! Only because you’re not INSTANTLY accepting. Change takes time, you can’t force everyone to believe what you want them to believe. Especially recently about the word “spaz.” 2021 was the most recent attest that spaz was a slur. My niece claims she “always knew as an american” but did you? DID YOU? I’ve had many versions of Spazz as my nickname for 20 years. 2002. NO ONE had any issues with my nickname, literally ever. It’s a NEW slur and for you to say otherwise is bullshit. Ya’ll hated on Lizzo when in the black community spaz is a VERY common term, but she was bullied into oblivion for a word that was normal for her. She was amazing on changing it because you know….not every country or culture has the same meanings of words vs western culture. Example: In Europe, “fag” is a term for cigarette. “Can I bum a fag?” But in western culture, it’s a derogatory term for gay people. In Australia, “cunt” is used in a friendly manner. While in western culture, it means a difficult woman. Lizzo didn’t know it was a bad term, because in the eyes of people of color, it’s normal. Once again, white american people dictate shit they have no say in.

The ECHO ECHO ECHO chambers. Holy shit….echo chambers. No one can have their own opinion without being chastised or bullied that isn’t echo chambering the popular belief. Against Trump? Echo chamber bullying. For abortion and women’s rights? Echo chamber bullying. It keeps going.

Social media is such bullshit but it’s the only way to get friends and loved ones to connect with you. Tried texting and calling because I want to stay off social media, but they don’t answer…but answer someone immediately on a fb post. Don’t act like you’re socially awkward when you do shit like this. You are willing to comment PUBLICLY but not in private? That’s opposite from being socially awkward or have social anxiety. To me, it seems like you’re willing to speak to a crowd of people instead of one person. You don’t have social anxiety.

It feels SOOOOO great getting this out and off my chest. I don’t care of anyone reads this. I’m just glad I’m able to say all of this without being condemned by “woke” or two faced people.