Had a falling through

 wrote this on facebook last night:

 

"i am tired. 

everyone is tired, though–working, schooling, kids. the works. but im emotionally tired. i slept a total of 10 hours today, that is a verrrrrry long time for me. my normal sleep time is 4 to 5 hours and my sleep in time is 6.

this break from the sca has to happen NOW. this financial hole is killing me. i thought i couldnt save money now, im almost tempted on dipping into my only $100 saved (saved from like 4 months ago) just to feed butterz and i until payday. i wish..i wish i had some of the lives that people have, sometimes i dont. you know…leeching off of others, sometimes not intentionally, but damn it would be nice to have a break like that. no worries, just chillin like your day off all the time while mommy and daddy pay for the bills. actually now, its your girlfriend taking care of you while you chill around everyday… sometimes i despise it.

sometimes i want to be married, sometimes i dont. same with kids since it seems like thats all you can do in this town. drink, smoke and screw…live off the government–ahem, OUR HARD WORKING TAX DOLLARS– if you can.

been trying to get a 2nd job, told once that my schedule wasnt flexible enough and then was 2-faced by a couple of other managers of different stores. they love hiring college kids here but not the residents of flagstaff. i constantly get asked why i hate this town so much, imagine it without your fancy job you got through connections and imagine it without your parents paying for everything. 

i try to do things that make me happy, but ive realized, when i thought i was happy, i wasnt–i was decent. i havent been happy in a loooong time. only a few things make me happy and they rarely happen. i cant even be happy for butterz, all the giddiness is gone from finally getting him and he hasnt seem me smile for real in a long while. 

i try to make changes..but something always stops me or makes things worse and harder.

i am tired.

working so hard for the happiness that doesnt seem to want my company. 

drinking, hookah, video games, belly dancing, working out, boys, metal shows–all those things that used to brighten my days to the next months following barely make a dent in my cheek.

<p style="margin: 0px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Helvetica, Arial, 'lucida grande',tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 20px;”>am i depressed? i dont know. i just know im unhappy and ive given up unintentionally. "

 

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you can easily be distracted from the happy things in life when the negatives are overpowering. Ever since the break up with my ex of 3 years and going through that hell while i was in it, i just cant seem to find my happiness anymore. when it seems that i find it, something bad always happens and im running out of strength…actually i am out of strength. 

 

i see people left and right that dont deserve the blessings bestowed upon them and they fan it off like its nothing. i just dont get it.

 

its been a rough month at work because of the labor day sale day and that isnt helping at all. seems like the only good thing that i cant seem to be happy about is having butterz. 

 

i really am trying to be the better person i once was, even wiser than i was–i just dont get what karma is doing. you are bashing the wrong person (and people, theres sooo many people out there that deserve better than what is happening to them and it depresses me)