A simple conversation with coworkers and a dump

I’ve been coming to terms on how my old friend group has gaslit myself and themselves.

A simple little “Moral alignment” test (www dot idrlabs dot com/moral-alignment/test dot php), that was just simple fun–doesn’t mean anything, actually taught me a lot. I got lawful good and I didn’t expect that at all. Thought I would chaotic evil! Anyways, silly games. We had a good conversation about mediators and toxicity of friends. There’s a question in that test, something about Gathering private information to use later or something like that. All I could think is all the times my friends used my traumas, even others’ traumas, to get their point across. I was just listening to them saying how jacked up and wrong it was to do so. They proceeded to say how they wouldn’t deal with it and that was that–end of friendship.

I’ve dealt with friends that had issues with each other and they brought it to facebook and shamed those who “rode the fence” when you didn’t take a side…well, if we weren’t there, how the fuck are we supposed to form an opinion by hearsay? I’m gonna chafe then. Mind you, I’m 33–friends with people that are in their late 20s to late 40s. They’re all way more immature than the early 20 year olds that I’m working with. It’s actually embarrassing. These young people have a way better head on their shoulders than the toxic people I’ve been friends with for 5-10+ years. Fucking embarrassing. Why have I dealt with them all these years? Why have I subjected myself to such gaslighting and narcissism that I partook in because that’s what they all did? The two-faced? The blackmailing? The people that were notorious for that are all favored by the group and tore down those who called them out. Like they were protected by the mob–let the mass do the execution instead.

I’m truly seeing a new view after today. I’ve been emotionally and mentally abused and manipulated for so long that I developed severe paranoia and fear of rejection. I scream and scream to be loved and accepted but I feel like I keep getting shunned for showing the sensitive side of me. Like they use it as a weapon to hurt me. It’s hard to love back those who say they love me….because of the betrayals that had happened before and currently. Get over it. You just love drama. It may be you that’s the problem since you’re always having issues. Maybe you should look inward. Apologize to the ones you hurt, even though they hurt you first–you made it a bigger situation than it is. It’s your fault. It’s your fault….it’s your fault. It’s all in your head. It’s you. You’re the problem. Apologize to the ones who hurt you…it’s your fault. It’s your fault. How dare you make it about you. You’re victimizing yourself. That didn’t happen…..the voices. They never stop. The paranoia never stops. Why can’t people see that they hurt me? When I finally bring it up…I’m supposed to “GET OVER IT.” Or else I’m “VICTIMIZING” myself. They’re straight evil…very evil. They put on a mask to make themselves loveable, but once you have any issues with them, they release the mass against you. I feel so helpless, so weak…I used to be strong, but they tore me down that I’m hiding in my hole. I’m so pathetic now. I’ve been beaten down that I can’t even function at work properly. I’m so emotionally damaged that I can’t make new friends because of the abuse. I keep to myself at work since former coworkers used by personal life as leverage to tear me down and put a bad reputation on my work ethic. I can’t trust anyone. I trust no one. I only think they have the worst intentions for me. I haven’t been myself in years because I’ve been shamed to. People have bitched about me…just being me. How can I keep being myself? I don’t even know who I am anymore. I was a metalhead, belly dancer that was a total hardass and spoke things from my heart how it is….I’ve been bullied and shamed so much that I’m nothing but a coward….I hide in my apartment. I’m too afraid to go to social gatherings. Even going to concerts, I get scared…but it’s supposed to be fun…I just don’t know. Who am i?

I’ve had awesome notes on my post before this one. I need to love myself again. I need to not let the dark thoughts consume me. It’s hard. Really hard. I’ve been on medication for my mental disabilities and it seems like I’m still not done to get to where I want to be—my normal. Where I’m giggly, goofy, dorky, silly, quirky and spontaneous. I’ve been partaking in edibles and THC cartridges. I used to not be a stoner but it helps with my current meds to make me feel…happy. At least, much less wanting to off myself. People may have strong views against it. My husband has his own home grow and works at a dispensary. He gets free stuff all the time! Free weed! So crazy. But it’s the only natural medication that I don’t have to extremely dose myself with. I feel like I might have a bad relationship with my anti psychotic meds, liquor and weed….sounds so bad, but I get why people go to these things all at once. You get a fucking break from the crazy. You feel…normal…or at least sane enough to enjoy the moment. Fuck, I sound like a druggie…I get it… finally I get it. I shouldn’t, but I do. Been going to the gym…but not before I have an emotional meltdown in the parking lot and having to wait until my eyes aren’t as red until I go in. I’m trying to be healthy…but how? I’m very envious of people that didn’t get to experience constant depression, anxiety or paranoia.

I think I wrote my heart out for this…I’m still fighting the darkness. I want to not be alive anymore…but my husband needs me…it makes me want to cry just typing that.