Weird Dream-Background (Read this first)

Geez did I ever have a weird dream last night.

My dream took place in the future. In fact, it took place during a few times in the future, almost like in A Christmas Carol when Scrooge jumps around to different points in his life, except mine were all “yet to come.”

The reason that it was so weird is because of things that I’ve said I’d never do, I ended up doing in my dream.

Back in 1999 I was engaged to this chick. We had been friends for over a year before we even started dating and everything was cool. After we got engaged though, and there was a necessary amount of trust that needed to exist between us, things got bad. She absolutely couldn’t trust me. Never once did I cheat on her, never once did I do anything to even give her the slightest shred of evidence that I wasn’t trustworthy, but she couldn’t (and as she later told me, “Wouldn’t”) ever trust me.

So we went to lots of counseling and stuff, but she honestly thought that whenever I wasn’t with her that I was out banging other chicks, and that when I WAS with her that I just wanted to go so that I could go screw any and every person who had the correct parts.

Now long before we had even met, I swore that I’d never physically hurt anyone that I loved, so when it got to where she was so caught up in her paranoia that she would actually go off and beat on me, I just took it.

After months of counseling, and even a try at exorcism (that is a very long story), nothing helped and I decided I couldn’t marry her, so I broke it off with just under a month before the wedding.

It was during counseling though that something dawned on me. The people who were our counselors were a husband and wife team who had gone through a similar situation. The guy told me about all the hell that he went through with his wife, but assured me that it was all worth it in the end because it was so gratifying to have the wife he always knew she was (or something to that effect). After the last beating I took I went to see him and I realized that there was nothing that could happen to her that would be worth me putting up with all her crap. I didn’t care if she ever worked through all the issues she had, or if she became the perfect wife, or anything. Nothing could be worth it.

I suppose I still sort of hold that belief to this day, which is why I haven’t been in any relationships since then, and I never will be again. This is the first bit of background as to why my dream was weird.

The second is that I never want to have kids. True, I’m not planning on ever getting in a relationship like that with any chick so I shouldn’t have to worry about it. But my reasons go farther than that.

I think that the vast majority of people have kids for selfish reasons. People have kids because THEY want children. Or because THEY wanted to have sex and weren’t planning on getting pregnant.

As I said a few entries ago, if before I was conceived someone would have showed me my life and all that living my life would entail, there is no way I would’ve volunteered to be born and be me. How could I bring someone into the world with the possibility that they’d think that too? I think that’s my biggest reason for not having a kid.

So onto the dream.