Virgins When You Die

Sometimes the thoughts that float randomly into my head surprise even me. Today was no exception to that.

I was driving along at work, having a really good day (as far as getting things done and getting home) when suddenly a thought about the Muslim promise of a certain number of virgins in heaven for Muslims who are deemed “worthy” when they die. For no real reason I had to ask a few questions about that.

First of all, if it’s true that if a person is a devout and good Muslim that there are a bunch of virgins waiting for them, then it might just be worth looking into and at least trying it out enough to cover the bases just in case it’s true.

But the real thing I need to ask is, where do the virgins come from? Does Allah mysteriously create a heavenly harem for a guy when he dies? Are they some sort of super woman whose sole purpose is to bang away on the dead dude?

The next question is, how come the devout Muslim doesn’t get an unlimited supply of virgins. Surely if Allah is powerful enough to hook a dude up with a ton of virgins in the first place, then he can keep the tap flowing. The thing about virgins is that they’re kind of like an emergency road flare; you can only really use them once. True, you can screw a chick (if whatever those heavenly beings are can be called a “chick”) more than once, but after the first time she isn’t a virgin anymore and thus the whole mysterious fun of the whole thing is gone and a new virgin needs to be obtained. Since heaven is supposed to be an eternal place, I think a person would need an eternal source of new virgins.

Anyone who has seen pictures of women from Muslim countries knows that there really isn’t an overabundance of attractive Muslim women. Many are missing teeth, have scars all over their faces, or are just flat-out ugly. This makes me wonder if a person would really WANT a whole bunch of Muslim virgins. Unless you really have a bad problem with being constantly horny, would anyone really WANT a whole bunch of Muslim virgins?

Perhaps Allah should specify and guarantee that they will be “hot and attractive” virgins.

Or perhaps anyone who falls for the whole little “virgins when you die” are a bunch of retards.

Yes, I’m aware that my statement isn’t tolerant. I’m aware that I’m generalizing and ripping on a group of hundreds of millions of people. And yes, I think many of the world’s problems would be solved if Muslims were all suddenly abducted by aliens and never returned to earth. Let the fuckers suicide-bomb the Martians.

In other news though, I’ve found that life seems a whole lot better when you have something to look forward to. Not something distant that will happen “eventually,” but something more tangible, something that you can look at and say, “Only a little longer…”

So yeah, Lisa, Jen, Tina, Allie, and Melissa will be here in 67 hours (from the time I’m writing this). I’m hoping that when I see them walk through the doors of the airport that I don’t actually explode from being so happy. I know I will be on the inside, but it’d be kinda gross and would sort of defeat the purpose of them visiting.

Might be a little weird Muslim karma for my little suicide-bomber thing up there though.

Although it beats depression any day, waiting for them to get here is a bit like drowning (or what I think it’d be like, since I’ve never actually experienced it). Waiting for them to get here is kinda like burning on the inside like when you’re under water and holding your breath and think you can’t hold it any more, but you have to. Your lungs begin to burn and you can’t take it any more. That’s kind of how I feel while waiting.

I suppose it’ll all be fine in the end though. Anyone who’s ever been under water longer than they thought they could be without inhaling liquid knows how sweet that first breath of fresh air is when they get above the surface. I’m pretty sure that’ll hold true here.

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“What would I give to behold
The smile, the face of love?
You’ve never left me
The rising sun will always speak your name
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It won’t be long
We’ll meet again
Your memory is never passing
It won’t be long
We’ll meet again
My love for you is everlasting
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I mourn for those who never knew you.”
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Killswitch Engage