The End

I was watching some of the movie Fear Dot Com (as much as I could until I began to get groggy) tonight, and I thought “I wonder what I would do if I knew I only had 24 or 48 hours left to live.

I could spend part of that time crying and asking “Why me?” or things like that, but all that would do would be to use up my very limited supply of time on doing something that would do nothing to improve my situation.

I could spend my time trying to find a way out of whatever was going to kill me, but if I failed then all my efforts would only succeed in wasting away my last few hours.

Maybe I’d want to get all my friends and family around and try to get some strength from having them there, or maybe I’d drive myself insane with fear of the great unknown.

I might take some chances that I’d never think about taking under normal circumstances. Maybe I’d actually try to spend my last few hours being happy and not care about the fact that once death finally came it wouldn’t matter if I was happy or not. Maybe I’d try a little harder to get over all the crap from my past and care about someone or something.

Perhaps I’d just want to be alone and put out one last, desperate effort to know and believe in God. I’m not talking about one of those quick prayers that people pray on their deathbed because they’re afraid of hell. The prayers prayed by those who haven’t given God squat during their whole lives and then want to offer him the last little bit of their lives when they are absolutely useless to him and then try to find some solace in that.

In fact, I’ve actually had dreams where I’m supposed to die at the end, but then wake up just as death should be coming. It’s funny because I remember them so specifically and because they didn’t seem like dreams. But in each of them I remember realizing that I was about to die, and then out of some sort of human reflex I quick splurted out some “Jesus, save me” prayer. And before even getting the “prayer” out I realized that I was only doing that to try and cover all the bases in an attempt to use God for a fire escape and stay out of hell if there really is one. I realized that if there really is a God who judges the hearts and minds of everyone (like the Bible says), that I was screwed because he knew I was just trying to use him and get something from him the same way guys look for vulnerable chicks to use for one night stands.

So in the dreams I stopped the prayers and waited for death to come, and it came in the form of me waking up (weird).

I suppose I really don’t know how I’ll face death. Maybe I’ll be like the “great” French atheist Volataire who spent his dying hours screaming for a preacher because he swore he could feel the flames of hell on his feet (members of Volataire’s “atheist club” didn’t want to loose face by having a preacher go there, so Volataire died without seeing one). Or maybe it’ll come so swiftly and unexpectedly that I won’t even have a chance to ponder it (which will suck if I’m wrong).

I almost wish I could watch how it will happen in advance. I mean, I’ve given into my morbid curiosity about death many other times and have seen lots of videos of other people dying, I think it’d be interesting to see my own. But I suppose that’s the kicker about death, it doesn’t work that way.

All that from a stupid wannabe horror movie…wow.

“I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end it doesn’t even matter.
I had to fall to loose it all
But in the end it doesn’t even matter.”- Linkin Park