Stupid Churches

It’s really amazing how many are really stupid if you stop and think about things that most people look at as a normal part of everyday life. Take church names for example.

As I was working yesterday and was driving around, I noticed that the vast majority of church names are really rather retarded. If a person really ponders the names, many times the words, “Well DUH!” come to mind.

Take the Christian Life Church in Farmington, MN. Ok, so that sounds like a fairly normal name, right? I’m sure the people who came up with the name thought they were pretty clever. But think about it…Christian Life as opposed to what? Christian Death? Well they couldn’t use that one because that’s already the name of an old deathmetal band.

Then you have the Lutheran Church of the Good Shepherd. At first glance, it once again looks like a normal church name. Yet, do you really think that anyone would ever name their church Lutheran Church of the Bad Shepherd? Maybe sermons would go something like, “And Jesus said ‘I am the Shepherd…now get your ass back in the pen and do what I say!!!’ And thus when we, the sheep, decide not to heed the voice of the Lord he whacks us with his big-assed staff.”

Hope Church sounds like a name that was thought up during the “Make The Smallest Church Name Contest.” But do you really think that a church would ever be named Hopeless Church? I can almost hear the singing floating from the windows now… “No hope of heaven when we die, Our dumb asses are gonna fry. And now the future’s looking dire, we’ll all burn in God’s big bonfire.”

One other thing I have to hit on is all the churches who feel the need to stick a number in their name. Like First Baptist Church, First Episcopal Church, First Methodist Church, etc. Isn’t it funny that all these churches that try to proclaim that they are the “first” belong to the religion that teaches that in heaven, the first will be last and the last will be first? You’d think that if they really believed what they taught that they’d want to be called Last Baptist Church, or Last Episcopal Church, or Last Methodist Church. Or maybe that way of thinking is a little beyond their grasp.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that most of the churches who declare that they are the “first” are really lying. I think that an easy way to do this would be to have the churches duke it out. Make them play each other in paintball, or a brutal game of King Of The Hill, or something like that. Pit them against each other in a brutal contest of strength, determination, and will and make them actually earn the right to be the “first” of their denomination. Then make everyone else change their name to whatever number they ranked in the contest.

True, it may be a little strange going to the 157th Lutheran Church, but at least it would be a more honest name.

So the next time you go by a church and read their name, let this one little question roll through your mind… “As opposed to what?” Then think of something more towards the opposite of whatever their name is. Living Waters would be Dead Waters. Solid Rock would be Slippery Slope. Redeemer Baptist would be Failure Baptist. First Church of Christ would be First Church of Satan (which by the way, is already taken). And so on and so forth.

Yes, I’m aware that I have too much time on my hands.

*
“Just a reflection
Just a glimpse, just a little reminder
Of all the what abouts, and all the might’ve could’ve beens
Another day, just run away
But not another reason to continue
And now you’re one of us
The Wretched
*
The hopes and prays
For better days
Now far away
Just forget it
*
The clouds will part
And the sky cracks open
And God himself will reach his fucking arm through
Just to push you down
Just to hold you down
*
Stuck in this hole
With the shit and the piss
And it’s hard to believe it could come down to this
Back at the beginning
Sinking, spinning
*
It didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to
It didn’t turn out the way you wanted it, did it?
It didn’t turn out the way you wanted it to
It didn’t turn out the way you wanted it, did it?
*
Now you know
This is what it feels like
Now you know
This is what it feels like.”
*
Nine Inch Nails