Regret

My day went fairly smooth and normal all day until I got home tonight. I was making something to eat and the phone rang. Normally I never answer the phone because 1, I’m never near the phone to answer it and 2, because I don’t talk on the phone and no one calls me. This time, both of those things actually happened.

It was a chick that I used to be pretty good friends with but haven’t talked to in almost two years. See, a few years ago I was trying to be a Christian, and all my friends were Christians and she was one of the first Christian friends I had that I hung out with. That’s also the main reason that me and all my old friends have parted ways, because I’m different now.

Jessie really was one of the coolest chicks I’ve ever known. She was someone that I could sit around and talk to for hours and totally be cool and just get lost in what we were talking about. I suppose I do that all the time now on the computer, but I didn’t back then.

I did kind of have a thing for her back then because that was before I had ever met my ex and so I wasn’t anti-relationships or anything like I am now. I never said anything though because 1, I was a wuss and 2, I didn’t want things to get screwed up and weird if she said no.

Eventually she met another friend of mine that I had gone through treatment with and they ended up getting married. It kinda sucked, but being the good Christian I thought I was, I was happy for them and figured it was “God’s will for them.”

I really don’t know what prompted her to call tonight although she said she was calling cause her and Ben (her hubby) are moving to Michigan and that every once in a while they’re making a little newsletter to send to friends and family to keep everyone up to date on what’s going on with them and Lucas and Abby (their two kids), so she was wondering if I wanted to be on the list.

We ended up talking for over an hour (until the battery on her cordless phone died). We never talked about God, which was a good thing cause then I’m sure the whole group of old friends would find out what’s up with me now and they’d all be calling me like telemarketers wanting to try and “save” me again or give me “words from the Lord” like, “You know what you’re doing and your blood is on your own head” or things like that. It was cool to just be able to talk to Jessie about normal stuff. In a way it was almost like neither of us cared about the fact that we haven’t talked in two years.

I don’t know how other people’s brains work, but when thing’s like this happen I’ll spend hours and hours pondering it. In this case I’ve been pondering lots of “what if’s.” As much as it sucks though, I can’t help but think that things probably turned out for the best, at least for her, so I suppose that’s cool.

You know, it’s funny (or something), but I can divide almost anything and everything in my life into one of two categories; regrets and things that will some day be regrets. I really do have a super bad habit of screwing up almost anything and everything if given enough time.

“This is the way I pray…

.

Living just isn’t hard enough,

Burn me alive inside.

My life just isn’t hard enough,

You take everything away.” -Disturbed