Rearview Mirror poem

*
I look back at the life I’ve lived
And all that’s come and gone
Somehow the grass is greener
Over on the neighbor’s lawn
So many things in my mind’s eye
I wish that I could change
Events and circumstances
I’d be glad to rearrange
*
Regret, the only constant in
This thing I call my past
Memories of smiles seem to fade
But sorrow always lasts
I can’t forget the pain I’ve caused
Nor all the things I’ve done
The sting of guilt replaces
All that I once thought was fun
*
And then there’s you, the one I scarred
Much deeper than the rest
I was too blind to see that you
Were nothing less than best
The only one to stand by me
Through life and nearly death
Yet I was more concerned with
Weed and shrooms and crystal meth
*
I hope now that you’re happy
That I don’t come to your mind
I hope that time has brought release
And that you could unwind
I cannot lie, I miss you still
Yet I recall the day
I was the fool, you came to me
But I pushed you away
*
It’s amazing how hard it is to stop looking back at the past when the majority of what you see back there is things you regret. What I wrote above is kind of what I was thinking about a girl I used to know (see previous entries on 6/15/03 and 10/12/03, as well as a few others, to see who I’m talking about).

Sometimes I amaze myself when I think of all the ways I’ve fucked up in life. I suppose everyone has to be good at something.

Part of me wants to hold on to the memories of people I’ll most likely never see again, but part of me wishes I could forget and try to be happy in the present. Yet neither ever really happens, so I’m the rope as the two sides play tug of war with my mind and I get stretched and pulled this way and that way.

*
“Can’t seem to recognize
That stare behind those eyes
Who is this man I see?
Who’s looking back at me?
Can’t focus through the grey
And I am fading into nothing
The reflection must get clearer
*
I think I’m cracking up, like I’ve lost my mind
I hurt myself again, still don’t know why
I end up the same each way, each and every time
I can’t avoid the truth there’s just nowhere to run and hide.”
*
Flaw