Peace And Sleep Disorder

I’ve been having some sleeping issues as of late. It’s not the actual falling or staying asleep part that is troubling me. The problem is that when the alarm goes off in the morning, it seems like I was up all night.

This really sucks because it means I’m always tired and always dozing off whenever I’m sitting still for more than a few minutes. It seems like every night when I go to bed I’m being sucked through a time warp and sent straight to morning.

Maybe I’m being abducted by aliens every night as I close my eyes. Perhaps when my consciousness loses control, my subconscious personality called Tyler Durden takes control (don’t expect to know what I’m saying there if you haven’t seen Fight Club). It could be that something is wrong in my brain and I’m about to get super smart, or die, or something in between.

Or something.

Anyhow, I watched The Last Samurai tonight again. I watched it in the theater last December, and it had pretty much the same effect this time around too.

In the movie, Tom Cruise’s character is an army Captain who has a past that haunts him and won’t let go. He’s constantly reminded of all the “savage” women and children he was ordered to help kill when the army was fighting the Indians.

The Japanese Emperor is trying to “modernize” Japan, but is facing opposition from the samurai’s who were his protectors. Cruise’s character is paid by the Japanese emperor to come and train their army in modern warfare in order to take out the renegade samurais.

Things happen and he is captured by the very samurais he was sent to kill, but he is wounded. He is taken to their village and is cared for by the wife of one of the samurais he killed. They let him do whatever he wants while he’s there because he can’t leave their village due to the winter making escape impossible. So he learns their ways.

He discovers many things while he’s there and for the first time in his life he is at peace. The children of the man he killed grow attached to him and he knows what it’s like to care about someone other than himself. He also learns of such strange things as bravery and honor and duty.

I really can’t say for sure that I’d like to have a life like that (and yes, I’m aware that it’s just a movie), but it sure made the thought seem desirable. I guess it reminds me of the dream I had months ago (December 22nd, 2002 actually. Go all the way back to my first entries if you want to read it) where I actually had a wife and a daughter and was happy (until I woke up anyhow). Kinda funny how that seems to pop up occasionally to haunt me.

The movie got me really thinking about peace and contentment though. Normally I would say that it’s really stupid to try and find contentment and purpose in caring for someone who is just going to die someday. But right now I’m wondering if it really is as retarded as I’ve thought.

Some would say that it is up to me to change things; that somehow the power is in my hands. Others would say to not let my past guide my future. Perhaps that’s good advice, but perhaps it’s something that isn’t in my power to do.

I’ve never really been an optimist and I really can’t start now. It would be nice to have a ray of hope though. It would be even nicer to find what Captain Nathan Whatshisface found.