Non-Existence

Ok, I’m in a “mood” again, which is weird considering that Wednesdays are usually my worst day of the week, but today actually went good.

In a way I think I feel trapped. Forced into living this life against my will. I never asked to be here. In fact, if someone would have shown me my life before I was conceived and asked me if I wanted to be born, I would’ve said “No.” I think I was much happier back in the realm of the nonexistent. Back where I was during World War II. When Caesar was creating the Roman empire. When Attila the Hun was ravaging Asia. When Sodom and Gomorrah burned to the ground.

I think never existing would be great.

Sure, people now say that they’d miss me, but they really wouldn’t because I never would have been around for them to meet me.

You know something funny? I honestly can’t remember the last time I was truly happy. I mean something beyond just a superficial smile and laughter. I mean the kind of happiness that pierces the “soul” like the nails that pierced Jesus’ wrists. The kind of happiness that is just content with things the way they are. The kind of happiness that isn’t thinking about all the things that suck, and trying to contemplate things that I’ll never understand anyways (my mental vice seems to be “God”).

This may sound funny, but do you know who I envy? I envy retards. No, honestly. I would give all my “talents” that people seem to think I have, all my potential, every skill and anything else I may have that could possibly be of value in order to be a true retard.

Why? Because most retarded people, even when getting picked on and stuff, are still happy. I’m sure there are exceptions to the rule, but I’ve met lots of retarded people in my time and almost all of them were just like two year old kids; just naturally happy. They know how to love. They know how to believe. They know how to trust. In a way they can naturally do all the things that I somehow can’t seem to grasp, but I have intelligence and skills and things that they seem to lack. According to society, they are the ones in need of help, but in reality perhaps the one needing help is me.

Anywhose, here’s something else that I didn’t write(it’s a song called Bother by Stone Sour, perhaps you’ve heard it), but I’m copying cause I feel like it.

Wish I was too dead to cry
My self-affliction fades
Stones to throw at my creator
Masochists to which I cater

You don’t need to bother, I don’t need to be
I’ll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on, I won’t let go till it bleeds

Wish I was too dead to care
If indeed I cared at all
Never had a voice to protest
So you fed me shit to digest
I wish I had a reason
My flaws are open season
For this, I gave up trying
One good turn deserves my dying

You don’t need to bother, I don’t need to be
I’ll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on, I won’t let go till it bleeds

Wish I’d died instead of lived
A zombie hides my face
Shell forgotten with it’s memories
Diaries left with cryptic entries

You don’t need to bother, I don’t need to be
I’ll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on, I won’t let go till it bleeds

You don’t need to bother, I don’t need to be
I’ll keep slipping farther
But once I hold on…I’ll never live down my deceit.