Life Is Killing Me

Life Is Killing Me

Life is killing me and I can’t make it stop
I’m being suffocated by subtleties that I can’t quite stick my finger on
It’s not huge events, but a constant barrage of little, seemingly insignificant things that bring me down
Depression and darkness cover me like a hooded robe
I want it to go away
I wish that I could wish it all away
Yet the best I can do is stay preoccupied and try to ignore it
Still, even most of the best preoccupations just push it to the back of my mind where it sits and glares at me like a dog about to turn on its master
Of the remedies out there, I’ve tried the “best” and they’ve failed
I wish I could forget
I wish I could start over
I wish I could live a life well and have no regrets and nothing on my back
I wish I could stop wishing because it only leaves me let down in the end
Some people think that they are thrill-seekers and that they live their lives “on the edge”
No one knows what it’s like to live there until they spend every day seriously debating whether or not to finish the day out or not
Cowardice and an unwarranted hope for better things tend to win out
Someday things may be different
Pain seems to breed pain
Although the origins of some hurts can be traced back, some just seem to come from nowhere
I want the shit in my head to stop
I want to be able to live without spending time every day cursing the day I was conceived
I want to be able to be happy and get caught up in the stupid, trivial things in life
I want to be able to be good for people and not bring them down and not hurt them
I want to be content
I want to be able to care
I want to be able to trust
I want to have real smiles
I want to be able to go to sleep at night and happily recall the day’s events

Then again, I also hope to win the lottery
For some reason the only things I can really hope for are the ones that are impossible
And though I can’t believe in the “normal” things that many people do, somehow my dumb ass thinks I have a chance at the impossible things
Ironic how life, the very thing that is supposed to be a special gift, is the very thing that’s helping kill me
I wish I could cry, but I ran out of tears long ago.

*
“I still recall the taste of your tears
Echoing your voice like the ringing in my ears
My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore
Scraping through my head till I don’t wanna sleep anymore
*
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I’m down to just one thing
And I’m starting to scare myself
You make this all go away
You make this all go away
I just want something…
I just want something I can never have.”
*
Nine Inch Nails